High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Posted by The Author on May 16, 2009

Wooo!  Saturday!  Now that I work for most of the week*, getting an actual “weekend” in terms of “time off” makes me feel like a grownup.  It also makes me tired, and while writing an entry for my Comix Blog isn’t the last thing I want to be doing, it certainly isn’t the first.  But, ah, I am trying to be more consistent.  And if I don’t do it now, I’ll have to do it later.  So, buckle up; it’s time for H&L Hee-Larity.

Hi and Lois, 5/16/09

5/16/09

I am not a middle-aged American white man (as you may have noticed), so I don’t play golf.  And because of that, I don’t get the joke in today’s comic.  So, as a life-long learner, I looked up the term “scratch golfer”, which is apparently is a golfer whose handicap is zero.  Oh, that clears it up!  I’m lying, of course; if anything, it raises more questions.  What is this “handicap” of which you speak?  How does one determine a  handicap?  Is it anything like in Halo when you can set someone’s health 600% higher to level the playing field because they suck so bad?  Perhaps.  So!  Tom’s a scratch golfer, is he?  That bastard.  I guess that makes Mr. T a bogey.  Or something.  I have to consult my notes.

But don’t despair, Mr. T!  Things aren’t as bad as they seem!  Sure, Scratchman Tom can shoot a perfect golf game and has a spiffy little visor and a fruity little golf-glove.  But he doesn’t have your dissatisfied marriage and rampant alcoholism!  Oh, wait.

Title comes from — who else? — Mark Twain.

*Take a shot!

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Posted in drunkeness, golf | Leave a Comment »

Go Team Mobile!

Posted by The Author on May 15, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/15/09

5/15/09

Oh, those teenagers and their texting and their YouTubes and fax machines and hula-hoops.  Since I don’t think Chip has a job (I don’t know how I came to that conclusion, but methinks it is accurate), who pays for that extravagant cell phone and the subsequent texts?  Mom and Dad, of course.  So why waste four cents when you can just shout at your children instead?

The final panel is a total mess.  First of all, it’s summer.  Are they eating dinner at nine o’clock?  It’s pitch-black outside.  Hi is buzzed on three post-work dirty martinis and can barely lift his fork to shovel indiscriminate food-lumps into his mouth.  And Trixie is nowhere to be found.  Probably she’s frolicking in the rat poison.  Also, Chip’s second word balloon is flamboyantly oversized for the text inside.  Perhaps in the original version of this comic he spouted out something too radical and shocking to be printed in papers.  But that’s a pipe dream.

(Note: the title of this post is pretty obscure.  Sorry.)

Posted in crossed arms, drunkeness, technology | 2 Comments »

That’s good enough for me.

Posted by The Author on May 14, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/14/09

Photobucket

I call no way.  There’s not a chance in Heck that Lois the health-food shilling nutcase would have that many different varities of demon sweets in her house.  Actually, some of them look more like stacks of CDs, but that’s not the point!  Did Ditto knock over some poor little Girl Scout to procure this bounty of cookies?  I shudder to think.  At any rate, I think Lois’s reaction should be less “looking on with an oh-you-kids expression” and more “wide-eyed gaping-mouthed horror followed by subsequent table-diving”, taking into account her past measures to secure her children’s health.

A few more items of note:

  • Another case of Mutating Background Affliction.  Between panel one and two the cupboards shift, Ditto’s chair changes color, and the pictures on the fridge turn from delightful family snapshots and cut-out comic strips to what appears to be either the flag of some foreign country or the moon seen through a window.  Huh.  Is it that difficult to draw the same thing twice?  Even better, do you, Mr. or Ms. Artist, need to constantly put yourself in a position where you are required to render a scene from the same angle?  Why not switch viewpoints?  Just a little forty-five degree shift, that’s all.  You’re not taking advantage of the medium is all I’m saying.  But all that is serious critique, not blatant making-fun-of, which is what the people have come for.  And this bullet-list item has become very long indeed.
  • Ditto.  Sweetheart.  You know nothing of gourmet, which probably shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve been eight years old for the past half-century.  It’s not ice cream that cleanses the palate, it’s sorbet.  All you want is an excuse to gorge yourself on biscuits.
  • That was pretty much all I had.  I’m done now.
  • Oh, wait, just kidding!  Also, Lois’s neckerscarf is hideous.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Sweepin’ the clouds away

Posted by The Author on May 13, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/13/09

5/13/09

I don’t know what it is, but something about today’s strip just fills me with joy.  Maybe it’s Big Bird’s stubby little arms.  Maybe it’s the fact  that he’s just spouting out numerals in front of a cyan background instead of singing a clever little song with his Muppety friends or whatever the heck they have on Sesame Street these days.  Look at those eyes.  Madness, I tell you.

At first I thought “Comedy Store” in the second panel was made-up, but no, once again Walker-Browne Incorporated has inserted a vague real-life reference, in this instance to a haunted comedy club on the Sunset Strip.  No, really.

But anywhateverhoozle.  I’m not up to date on comedians that aren’t Eddie Izzard or Sarah Haskins, so for all I know the portly gentleman in front of the Comedy Store’s brick wall is a real guy.  And judging by his attire, he’s laying out a heapin’ helpin’ of modern-day comedy, which, from my experience, consists of ironic observations puncuated with swears and “am I right or am I right” stuff.  But, again, I am not so up to date.

Lois does not seem horrified by the sudden stream of curse-words emitting from the tee-vee and permeating Trixie’s virgin ears.  On the contrary, she is jaded, or drunk, or both.  Just another day.

Posted in google-eyes, pop culture, real-ish | 2 Comments »

Lulsy Search Terms: Enlightenment Edition

Posted by The Author on May 12, 2009

hi and lois comic nrbq

I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t immediately get the reference.  Though, I don’t know if you should lose points for thinking NRBQ was some H&L-specific reference.  The only reoccuring element in H&L (besides despair) is Lois’s U Conn shirts.  Go U Conn!

hi and lois comic about band

All you need to know, frankly, is that they bite it big time.

hi and lois sucks

Finally someone gets it.  And there were not one, but two hits from these terms.  I hope they felt vindicated by what they found here.

Posted in lulsy search terms | 2 Comments »

It’s funny because you’re destitute.

Posted by The Author on May 12, 2009

My computer is acting hella slow.  Hopefully I’ll be able to write this post before the Internet cuts out.  So, without further ado, we shall sally forth.*

Hi and Lois, 5/11/09

5/11/09

I can’t say much about yesterday’s comic that Josh hasn’t already mentioned, except this: is Hi drinking straight out of a coffee can?  Did he just forget to brew the coffee first and is struggling to swallow pure grounds?  “This tastes pretty odd this morning, honey.”  “Never mind that — they say this 14-year-old sold a million records and just bought a house in the Hamptons!”  “And what makes you think I care about that s**t?”

Hi and Lois, 5/12/09

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Now, I don’t work in real estate (obviously), but shouldn’t the correct verbage be “I rented out a condo today”?  The way it is now, it sounds like Lois rented the condo for her own family, and we know that’s not true because the Flagston clan certainly isn’t rolling in the dough.  The dollar menu?!?  Why, just the other day y’all were going out for an extravagant Mother’s Day breakfast.  Maybe you should take out the family, Hi.  You hideous thing, you.

I know it makes me a bad person, but I kind of like seeing the kids’ despondent looks at being told that they are too poor to go somewhere fancier than a Mickey D’s.

*And I’m not talking about the comic strip.  Ahaha!

Posted in from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, munny | Leave a Comment »

Happy Confederate Memorial Day!

Posted by The Author on May 11, 2009

I have to leave for work in a little less than an hour* so for now I am just going to cover the weekend strips and take on today’s later.  If you can’t wait that long (and honestly, when it comes to H&L, who can wait?) check out Josh’s wise observations in today’s CC post.  I assure you, my own snark will be just as amazing (I hope).

Without further ado: Teh Muvvers’ Day Comix!

Hi and Lois, 5/9/09

5/9/09

YES.

Funny; this is what my mom usually wants for Mother’s Day, too.  I mean, except with her own kids, not Lois’s.  Or maybe both; I’m not sure.

Hi and Lois, 5/10/09

5/10/09

Nothin’ like taking a three-panel comic and spreading it thin over the Sunday format!  Well, at least this way we have more of a chance to admire the artwork and the strange goings-on inside this Connecticut diner.  Would I want to eat breakfast with this family?  Sadly, no.  Chip is listening to his Walkman (trust me, it’s a Walkman, not a new-fangled iPod — unless someone doesn’t know how to depict one) while Ditto solicits the baseball apparel-clad youth in the next booth (I still haven’t found any kids with that level of enthusiasm for baseball — are comics children a different breed?) and Hi raises the kids’ hopes for a fantastic homemade breakfast that will never come, thowing them into a state of shock, like Dot in the second-to-last panel.  You know why you never get this at home, Chip?  Because Mother is dead tired by nine AM and all she can manage to do it throw a couple of bowls of cereal on the table and call it a day.  Four children?!  What was she thinking?!

Anyhoozle.  Whilst I enjoy breakfast out on occasion, I don’t think I’d do it on Mother’s Day morning.  What is it about Mother’s Day and breakfast/brunch?  Why isn’t it traditionally a drinking holiday?  I have so many questions, but alas, I must leave you.  Happy Belated You-Know-What Day.  I love you, O Mother of Mine.

*Take a shot every time I mention that I have a job now!

Posted in baseball, current events, google-eyes | 6 Comments »

The best birthday ever, or the worst?

Posted by The Author on May 8, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/8/09

5/8/09

A-wiggida-whaaaat?? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I lamented about not knowing the name of Chip’s Portly Friend?  Well, ask and ye shall receive, it seems, because today we finally learn his moniker.  Jerry.  Completely lackluster.  And it still doesn’t explain why he’s always wearing a too-tiny sailor’s cap (or possibly a hard-boiled egg in a cup).  And I had to consult the Internet to find out what “NRBQ” is.  Surprise, it’s a band.  And I don’t think Portly Jerry or Chip listens to them.*  Funny, I kept thinking of barbeque for some reason.

Anyhoozle.  Coming from a person who has worked a lot of “freebies”, all I can say is that it will take their band many a year before they start getting paid for anything.  Maybe more quickly if they stopped wearing such ridiculous clothing.  Is that a headband, Chip, or did someone saw off the top of your skull and hastily paste it back on before you had time to notice?  Does this attract girls?  How many guests will be at Jane Price’s Birthday Slumber Party?  Four?  A few dozen?  Dude, I am so totally there!  Don’t get too excited, Jerry Portman — boys don’t actually get to stay for the hair-braiding and bepantied pillowfights.**

*I could be wrong.  NRBQ have a song on the soundtrack for the show Weeds.

**Unless the definition of “slumber party” has changed since I was in high school.  The term “hooking up” certainly has.

Posted in god what awful noyz, headbands, real-ish | Leave a Comment »

Aren’t ALL dinosaurs prehistoric?

Posted by The Author on May 7, 2009

I’ve got to wake up at approximately four AM tomorrow morning, so this will be short.  Hey, I’m not complaining; at least I have a job.  I just wish the hours were more consistent.  Ah, l’amour! Or something like that.  Angst.  Whatever.

Hi and Lois, 5/7/09

5/7/09

I don’t know if we’ve ever heard Dawg speak in this strip.  At least not in recent memory.  He’s not really known for his snarky thoughts, unlike other humanistic animals like Garfield and Buckles.  Though Buckles doesn’t speak through thought-bubbles, unlike most other comic animals.  And his owners don’t seem to be concerned by his sentience.  I have always wondered about this.*

ANYway… Chip found a fossil in the sandbox.  No, he didn’t.  Everybody knows that, except for Ditto and his idiot friend.  Who is that kid?  I’ve never seen him before.  His greasy black bangs bring to mind a sort of pint-sized Willard.  Maybe he is the brother of Chip’s Portly Friend** standing slightly out of frame, a giant piece of popcorn attacking his head. One thing is for certain: tomorrow’s comic has got to be better than this one, or I’m going to put my head through a window.  A closed window.

*I just got sidetracked for a whole five minutes reading the bio of the Buckles creator.  He seems like a good guy!

**I’ve tried looking up his name, to no avail.  But I did learn that the garbage collectors are named Abercrombie and Fitch.  Um.  Which one is which, I wonder?

Posted in half-assed, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »

“Tree at my window, window tree”… wait, where’d it go?

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

I wasn’t going to do two comics this evening… er, I mean, this morning!  Right.  I wasn’t going to do two, considering that I am tired and cranky and want to push someone off a cliff.  But out of the goodness of my heart, I said to myself: “Self, you should see what today’s H&L is and then make the decision on comix-related frivolity this evening this morning.”  So, I did!

Hi and Lois, 5/6/09

5/6/09

Ugh.  Two panels, no jokes.

Well… maybe I’m being too harsh.  I guess on the one hand, comics don’t always have to be telling jokes.  Take for example 9 Chickweed Lane.  Sometimes Brooke McEldowney* doesn’t even advance the plot.  Just pretty pictures, showing off the fact that he can draw like a mo-fo.  On the other hand… Chance Browne (or whoever is tracing the templates these days) cannot draw like a mo-fo.  He is a mo-fo; apologies, sir.  But look at that bird.  It resembles a triangle stuck on an over-sized ant.  Those mashed-potato lumps are a sorry excuse for bushes.  And Trixie’s triad of hair-curls drives a spike into my heart every day.

Actually, the art in today’s H&L isn’t all that terrible (considering what we normally see), it’s just a bit “blah”, you know?  I feel like I’ve seen it all before.  In fact…

Hi and Lois, 4/22/09

4/22/09

…it seems that people just can’t get enough of babies leanin’ out windows!  These two comics are virtually identical, except that the first and second panels are swapped.  What happened to the tree in the front yard in the last two weeks?  Once Earth Day was over, did the Flagstons just chop it down and use the wood extend their ranch-style fence around the entire yard?  Did they want a better view of “Thirsty” Thurston’s overgrown, tire-speckled garden?  I have so many questions.

So.  Maybe we’ll just have to deal with the fact that Walker Conglomerate will treat us to some poetry every fortnight.  The image of birds slumbering upon lumps of cotton-candy clouds is kind of lovely, but my original opinion still stands.  This comic eats.

*Admit it.  You thought he was a girl, too.

Posted in "quotes", from the mouths of babes, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »