High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘stubbiness syndrome’ Category

Maybe you should have bought FLOOD INSURANCE!

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y’all!  My comrade has informed me that most persons of the Mexican persuasion celebrate on the first Sunday of May, though, so I guess I missed it completely.  But forget about all that. ONE THOUSAND VIEWSSSS, BITCHES!!

Hi and Lois, 5/5/09


…and to celebrate, Depressing Comix!  You know that recession?  It’s still happening!  Ahaha!  You know, if you had saved your money under the mattress instead of in a rickety old bank and dumb ol’ stocks, you mightn’t be in this situation.  What a fool.

Something funny… need something funny… um… Mr. T’s arms are too short!  Ahaha!  Oh, you guys.  Just continued on your merry way to the TIVO store.

Here’s a comic I missed during my period of life-paying-attention-to.*  It’s a bit weird.

Hi and Lois, 4/23/09


I have a few issues.

1) Yes, Ditto, you are too old, when your “superhero underwear” consists of striped shorts, a t-shirt with a logo, a belt, and goddamn slippers.

2) The background in this strip is totally effing nuts.  First panel: are they in the bathroom?  Why is Dot walking in on her brother in the bathroom when he is in his underwear?  Is that a counter top and sink behind them?  The bathtub?  A radiator?  Is that the shower curtain, or some really ugly drapes?  And then in the second panel, everything is different!   I don’t know why I continue to be surprised by that, but I am.

3) Why is Dot walking in on her brother in the bathroom when he is in his underwear.

*Mental health week?  Personal Times?  The correct term evades me.


Posted in current events, munny, mutations, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | 1 Comment »

Tuesday? More like TWOsday!

Posted by The Author on April 28, 2009

Hoo-dee-doo.  According to my stats I got a (baffling) thirty-seven hits per day for the last two days of my absence.  Lack of H&L makes people visit more?  It is a mystery.


Hi and Lois, 4/28/09


This car salesman looks familiar… at least, in the second panel he does.  Apparently the sanguine movie theater employee from last month quit his job at the Megat 8 Cinemas and took up dealing cars.  A little less hair, yes, but it’s definitely him.  Anyhoozle.  I didn’t think Hi’s kids were still of the age that they needed constant distraction in the car, lest they tear each other to bits arguing over who crossed the Invisible Line dividing the backseat.

The car doesn’t strike me as something Hi would drive.  It’s too Lincoln-y.  Like something my grandfather would own, in white no less.  Also, he shouldn’t go around with a blank license plate like that.

Hmm… I think, arguably, this could be categorized as a 2 Panels 1 Joke.  I mean, take away the first frame and the salesman’s happy-face, make CARS more prominent, and you’ve got a single-paneler similar to The Flying McCoys*.  YannowhutImean?

Hi and Lois, 4/20/09


What’s this?? A comic from forever-ago?  Yes.  There are a few H&Ls from the last few weeks that are too strange not to make some sort of comment.

The Nostalgia Channel.  Is there such a channel?  Technically yes: but in the past.  It’s now called the AmericanLife TV Network and it reruns television series from the 50s and 60s.  Owned by the Unification Church.  Consistent money-loser.  I bet you did not know these things.  So, are they watching television in the past, then, or is Hi just experiencing early on-set Alzheimer’s?  That would be sad.

Hi needn’t explain what they’re watching.  Lois should be able to figure it out on her own.  And if I were here, my response wouldn’t be a cheery “So, what do you think?”, it would be “Why on earth would you do such a thing when we have a perfectly good Xbox** sitting three feet away?”  Ditto is obviously not enjoying it, as he has already degenerated into scrawling the names of these shows on the walls.  There is no escape, is there?  A heavy storm cloud hangs over Hi’s head at his son’s insipid comment.  “People arent [sic] as funny in black-and-white.”  Ever seen Buster Keaton?  Young FrankensteinDuck SoupTop Hat? The Women (the old one, not the terrible new one)?  You ignoramous!

Since I am now a nine-to-fiver (or more accurately, a seven-to-twoer; or a whenever-I-am-scheduleder), I can’t stay up ’til Hey-Ho PM and write about the next day’s comic.  I guess I could just do it in the morning, but that means I would have to wake up even earlier and I would not be as funny.  Those entries would read something close to “WHAT WHAT THIS MAKES NO SENSE I EFFING HATE THIS COMIXXZGHZBSVVA” and we don’t want that, now, do we?

*I apologize, Glenn and Gary McCoy.  You are much, much funnier than these hacks.  I wish I could find a .jpg of your “scooter” comic that made me el-oh-el.  Oh, gosh, I’d describe it, but it would be better if you just saw it.

**Fer reals, I do own an Xbox, but I mostly use it for playing Rock Band.  I like to play!

Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, half-assed, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | Leave a Comment »

Awash in an ocean of amotion.

Posted by The Author on April 16, 2009

Guys, I totes have a job interview tomorrow, and I’m a wee bit nervous, both because this is my first “real” interview after years of freelancing, and because I am still trying to get an interview at the place where I really want to work.  At any rate, it’ll be good practice.  Right?  Right.  I need me some employment, as I am going stir crazy.  I mean, I started a snarky blog about an outdated newspaper comic.  The “crazy” part is evident.

Hi and Lois, 4/17/09


Such devotion.  A repartotion of emotion.  I motion the commotion, but where’d he get the notion?  He won’t get a promotion with that locomotion.  Love potion?  Misdevotion.  Don’t forget the lotion.

Beat poetry.  I love it!  Wait, scratch that.  Rhyming “emotion” with “motion” is barely a level above rhyming “one” with “down”.  Good job.

I do love the rather misinformed depiction of The ‘Teen-Agers in this strip.  I don’t think I knew anyone in high school who had a septum piercing, but then again, I went to a fairly yuppyish high school, with carbon-copy boys in khaki cargo pants, polo shirts, white tennis shoes with those short sport socks, and miskept, overgrown hair poking out under their Abercrombie baseball caps.  Not that I was paying attention.  And I adore Chip’s Portly Friend’s sailor cap and poofy poodle bangs.  Hahaha: what the hell?  In other news, is it too much to ask for the artist to include a few more lines in his drawing so that the gray rectangles under the kids’ arms look more like books and less like cardboard inserts you find in new men’s shirts?

The word “lotion” looks weirder and weirder the longer I stare at it.  Lotion.  Lotion.

Posted in "quotes", google-eyes, real-ish, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | Leave a Comment »

Baby, you can drive my car — if you’re really careful.

Posted by The Author on April 9, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/10/09


I remember my first car accident.  It coincided with my first feature film job; I think we were about a week in when one morning, traveling to set, I was quite late.  Well, quite late for me: ten minutes or so.  I’m usually pretty punctual.  But I digress.  I was heading downtown in the usual morning rush-hour traffic.  My attention was diverted for a single second — I looked back at the road and saw that I was barreling towards the car in front of me at about forty miles per hour.  I hit the breaks and coasted to a stop: my front end came right up against the bumper of the car in front of me — clunkAAAAGHHHH MY GODDDDD, I said… on the inside.  On the outside I was quite calm, and the driver waved me over to the shoulder.  Thank Maude we were already in the furthest right lane, or else I don’t know what I would have done in that traffic.  And also thank Maude the other driver was a very nice female college student.  The only damage was to my license plate, which was bent inward.  We went our separate ways without further incident.  Now I had a really good excuse for being late to set.  And then it turned out that I wasn’t late at all.  So it ended up not mattering at all.

My second (and only other “accident”) was a little more exciting, but I’ll save that story for a rainy day.

What is Hi staring at in the first panel?  A giant spider in the corner of the kitchen?  Has Jesus appeared somewhere out of frame?  And then in Panel Two, Lois is again deformed, bobbly-headed and stubby-armed.  Poor Lois.

I’ve also backed into the garbage can a few times, but we’ve got huge-o plastic ones that just fall over into the street and I have to dash out and retrieve it.  I have no idea how Chip could have damaged a garbage can the way he has in this strip.  Maybe a couple of children were bracing it.

Posted in google-eyes, real-ish, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | Leave a Comment »

Observations on several subjects

Posted by The Author on April 8, 2009

Before we begin this post: a note!  Because blogs such as Date Wrecks and You Suck at Craigslist have inspired me so greatly, I’ve started a new blog, one I can update sporadically and save my sanity from the horror-trap of H&L.  For now it is called Missed Connections, but hopefully I’ll think of a more snarky title later on.  The first few entries are neither too lulsy nor horrifying; hopefully I’ll find something good.

Tell your friends, tell your coworkers; climb onto rooftops and litter the streets with fliers.  Whatever it takes.

Now: comix!

Hi and Lois, 4/8/09


Zzzzzz….*snrk* Wha-happa?! A badly drawn comic with badly executed jokes?!? Yes. Is Chip holding a glass in his deformed hand, or is that part of the design on his shirt? I do not know. Everyone looks like they were drawn by someone else, someone who normally illustrates IKEA directions or something.

You’d assume that this was just a cute-kid-thinks-cute-thoughts comic, wouldn’t you? Take a gander out the window. Do you see anything outside? It appears that the house is buried in fifteen feet of snow… or, (and my mind tends to drift in the sinister direction, in case you haven’t noticed) Trixie is actually watching a nuclear blast; soon the paint on the walls with turn to smoke and the roof will be ripped from its moors. Actually, poor Trixie has probably already been blinded. Dawg is a bit smarter; he’s already ducked-and-covered.

Did you ever see Duck and Cover? Not the Mallard Filmore blog, the terrifying 50s-era filmstrip for school-age children. It’s amazing.

Hi and Lois, 4/9/09


The way Lois is drawn in this strip… it just makes me feel sorry for her.  Look at her itty-bitty, outstretched arms.  She can’t even reach into her own pockets.  And thanks, Chance Browne, for labeling the vehicle as a BUS.  I would have never figured it out on my own.  For seriously.  Hey, the grass (?) changes from gray to lime green.  WHAT.

Another example of people who have heard of this “Internet” thing, and maybe use it to check their email and such — they just upgraded from Prodigy to AOL, you know, because discs they kept getting in the mail seemed like a heckuva deal — and they want to incorporate the LOLs of Today into their fifty five-year old comic strip.  Dramatic Prairie Dog!  Rick Astley!  See, I can do it, too.

Spoiler Alert… ur doin it wrong.  A spoiler alert indicates that information of a revealing nature is forthcoming.  Dot is providing what we call a “teaser”.  No doubt these post cards of which she speaks are brutally honest and sometimes frightening.

It took me an hour to craft this post.  Aaaarrgh.

Posted in color monkeys, from the mouths of babes, mutations, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, technology | Leave a Comment »

Someone who doesn’t watch sports tries to explain sports-related comix.

Posted by The Author on April 5, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/5/09


Uh-huh.  What is this fixation all the youngin’s seem to have with baseball?  I have never found the sport to be very interesting.  In fact, I’ve attended a total of maybe two actual games, and was bored silly throughout; I never see it on television, not even by accident.  In contrast, I went to a hockey game recently and was almost never bored: hockey just moves so quickly, and is so fluid, and luck can change in a matter of seconds. Baseball, on the other hand, is more like football, in which there is action for five to ten seconds and then long periods of anguish and waiting and me going argh erhg bah I am so bored.  I still like football better than baseball, though, because guys tackle each other.  Actually, I have found that I kind of enjoy seeing guys tackle each other, no matter what the occassion: football, hockey, boxing, figure skating…  I don’t know what that says about me.

But I digress.  Despite Ditto’s admirable enthusiasm for An Old-Fashioned American Sport (an almost obsessive enthusiasm, I’ll say, considering he’s just going to be sittin’ in his living room watching the telly,), he conks out 1/9th of the way into the game.  There’s something weird and disturbing about the way Hi is cradling his son in the last panel: though sleeping, Ditto is still grinning, clutching a baseball like a wire mother, emitting a single Z from his gaping maw.  And throughout, Lois remains silently bemused.

One hundred and sixty-two games?  Is that even possible?  How many hours of baseball-watching is that?  I am depressed.

Posted in baseball, crossed arms, current events, stubbiness syndrome | 5 Comments »

In like a lion, I guess…

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/21/09


Oh, dearie me.  Ignoring the most obvious comment here (The mens like the sports and the wimmins ceeeyyyan’t steeeand ’em! Comedy Gold!  Spousal Discord!  Impending Divorce If We’re Lucky But Mostly Likely Years Of Stifled Unhappiness!) , I’ve got to point out a few things: in Panel Uno, Thirsty is wearing either a flesh-colored glove or has party dots and a very badly done tribal tattoo.  Good try, Color Monkeys!  In Panel Dos, check out Hi’s squatty little arm — it’s hilarious.  And the more I look at it, the more horrified I become.  It may even be horrlarious.  At least Hi seems to be overcoming his disability and is now taking fashion tips from his son for the occasion.  Check out the March Madness Spread, by the way; there’s a flag in the mashed potatoes.  A white surrender flag.

I don’t really follow basketball… at all… nor do I follow any sport (I presume that neither marching band competitions nor dog shows count), so these Hee-larious Sports Comix are usually lost on me.  Le sigh.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, mutations, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | 4 Comments »