High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘real-ish’ Category

Social lives are for ethnic people.

Posted by The Author on May 24, 2009

I would have had a post up yesterday, but I have a terrible case of Bad Internet.  So anyway.  Let’s get this over with.

Hi and Lois, 5/23/09


Where are they?  I don’t know.  Perhaps they’re coming from church, whose steeple I can see towering in the background.  Does… does anyone ever stop an entire group of people just to tell them what a lovely family they are, sans the moody teenage son?  People stop to tell us how cute our dogs are.  And of course, everyone thought I was an adorable baby.  But this…?  It’s a bit odd.  You don’t even know that they are a family, ma’am, or that Hi is their real father.  Which he isn’t.

Anyway.  I like (yes, like) two things about this strip.  I un-ironically like that the date is written on the door of the non-descript building — an actual good example of incorporating the meta with the art.  I ironically like the bleak, torn Circus poster hanging next to Chip’s devil-may-care pose.  Chip.  You are fooling no one.

Hi and Lois, 5/24/09


Auurgh, this is such crap.  No, sorry, that’s not funny — I need to actually point out some things.  What follows are things that I am pointing out.

  • Milton! says Lois’s shirt.  Or does it say… Wilton?  I can’t really tell.  If it really does say Wilton, that proves a point we’ve been pondering in the comments.  Another shout out to the homies in Connecticut from my dawgs B & G Walker.  Does Lois wear anything on her day off that doesn’t recall college?
  • Debbie and J.C.; are they too a real entity?  Or is “J.C.” merely a reminder of our Lord Christ?
  • There doesn’t seem to be a proper apostrophe in Lois’s second-panel dialogue.  “Weve”?  Also, check out that thousand mile stare as she remembers happier times.
  • Also, “Yay!”?  Are we three years old, Lois?
  • The wide shot of the squalid living room kinda cracks me up.  It is practically cartoonish in its ruin, is it not?  A sock hanging off the lamp.  Empty cans of Beige Brand Beer lying sideways on the coffee table.  A bulging bookbag hooked precariously over the edge of the flatscreen television, threatening to pull it over and shatter it all over the damn carpet.  No house looks like this.  (Well, I hope no house does.)
  • It might be difficult to see in the tiny web-version of the comic, but Trixie is defying the laws of physics.  She brings down a dustbunny (or crumpled paper, or cartoon cloud) in her tiny hand, and then radically alters its projectory so that it flies across the room instead of burying itself in the ground?  This was drawn by the same people who don’t know how motion lines work.
  • The Flagston Parents live a sad and lonely life, alienated from the other families who have a more sane amount of offspring.
  • God, these people cross their arms more than anyone on earth!  No one crosses their arms that much!  I know you’re trying to add variety and sassiness to your drawings but it’s just annoying me!
  • Sorry about that.

Happy Labor Day Memorial Day weekend!  I mix those two up sometimes.


Posted in age, crossed arms, real-ish, skipped periods | Leave a Comment »

It’s a madhouse! A madhouse!

Posted by The Author on May 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/20/09


Yes, the “cleansing” experience, the “experience” in which Chip “cleanses” most “intimately”.  (shudder)  Well, you tell me!   He’s a teenage boy, after all.  My mind automatically shoots straight into the gutter at any mention of cleansing.

Here is another case of Things That Don’t Look Like That Anymore.  Alarm clocks.  Sure, my own clock is analog instead of the facy-pants glow-in-the-dark digital doo-dads they have these days, but it’s not so old that it still has the two bells on top that are manually hit with a hammer.  Those things are freakin’ loud, aren’t they?  TICKATICKATICKATICKA… et cetera.  In conclusion, whoever drew this comic is about ninety years old.

Finally: either the Flagstons have a shower right off their kitchen, or that bathroom is wider than a three-car garage.  Seriously, Lois!  What are you doing waltzing right into the bathroom when your son is cleansing himself?!  For shame.

Posted in horror, mutations, real-ish | 2 Comments »

This conversation has never taken place anywhere in the entire history of the world.

Posted by The Author on May 19, 2009

A nice late-afternoon post for you late-afternoon people!  I guess.  I didn’t get a chance to read the comics this morning; I wonder what today’s frivolity will be…

Hi and Lois, 5/19/09


Oh, yeah?  What about a sleeping puppy?  What about two sleeping puppies?  What about a shopping cart full of bunnies?  Trixie is not cute, slumbering or awake.  Besides, that’s not even Trixie in the photo.  If you look closely, you can see that it’s a sleeping figure eight.  Nice try, C. Browne!  Now.  Are there any phones that exist today that have the ability to take/receive photos and also have an antenna?  Do any new cell phones have antennae?  I’m inclined to say “probably not”.  At least it distracted my attention away from that poor excuse for a laptop.  Sure, in the first panel the artist at least attempts to rough in a keyboard of some fashion, but by panel two he as completely given up.

I didn’t know Lois worked in a real estate office.  I guess it would make sense.  And I guess that helps answer Trixie’s questions about where her family disappears to all day.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Lois is required to hire a babysitter, but somehow I am.  I guess I just assumed that she leaves Trixie to fend for herself.  Also, is it Wear Pink to the Office Day?  Not so good a decision for Reddy McRedderson there, since it, well, clashes a bit.  Okay, a lot.

I’m going to fall over soon.  That’s enough for today.

Posted in color monkeys, real-ish, technology | 7 Comments »

Sweepin’ the clouds away

Posted by The Author on May 13, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/13/09


I don’t know what it is, but something about today’s strip just fills me with joy.  Maybe it’s Big Bird’s stubby little arms.  Maybe it’s the fact  that he’s just spouting out numerals in front of a cyan background instead of singing a clever little song with his Muppety friends or whatever the heck they have on Sesame Street these days.  Look at those eyes.  Madness, I tell you.

At first I thought “Comedy Store” in the second panel was made-up, but no, once again Walker-Browne Incorporated has inserted a vague real-life reference, in this instance to a haunted comedy club on the Sunset Strip.  No, really.

But anywhateverhoozle.  I’m not up to date on comedians that aren’t Eddie Izzard or Sarah Haskins, so for all I know the portly gentleman in front of the Comedy Store’s brick wall is a real guy.  And judging by his attire, he’s laying out a heapin’ helpin’ of modern-day comedy, which, from my experience, consists of ironic observations puncuated with swears and “am I right or am I right” stuff.  But, again, I am not so up to date.

Lois does not seem horrified by the sudden stream of curse-words emitting from the tee-vee and permeating Trixie’s virgin ears.  On the contrary, she is jaded, or drunk, or both.  Just another day.

Posted in google-eyes, pop culture, real-ish | 2 Comments »

The best birthday ever, or the worst?

Posted by The Author on May 8, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/8/09


A-wiggida-whaaaat?? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I lamented about not knowing the name of Chip’s Portly Friend?  Well, ask and ye shall receive, it seems, because today we finally learn his moniker.  Jerry.  Completely lackluster.  And it still doesn’t explain why he’s always wearing a too-tiny sailor’s cap (or possibly a hard-boiled egg in a cup).  And I had to consult the Internet to find out what “NRBQ” is.  Surprise, it’s a band.  And I don’t think Portly Jerry or Chip listens to them.*  Funny, I kept thinking of barbeque for some reason.

Anyhoozle.  Coming from a person who has worked a lot of “freebies”, all I can say is that it will take their band many a year before they start getting paid for anything.  Maybe more quickly if they stopped wearing such ridiculous clothing.  Is that a headband, Chip, or did someone saw off the top of your skull and hastily paste it back on before you had time to notice?  Does this attract girls?  How many guests will be at Jane Price’s Birthday Slumber Party?  Four?  A few dozen?  Dude, I am so totally there!  Don’t get too excited, Jerry Portman — boys don’t actually get to stay for the hair-braiding and bepantied pillowfights.**

*I could be wrong.  NRBQ have a song on the soundtrack for the show Weeds.

**Unless the definition of “slumber party” has changed since I was in high school.  The term “hooking up” certainly has.

Posted in god what awful noyz, headbands, real-ish | Leave a Comment »

Bring in da Noyz, bring in the What the F**k?!

Posted by The Author on April 27, 2009

Argh.  Thanks for the encouraging (and sometimes sarcastic) comments.  I’m about a week and a half behind, I know.  I figure I’ll just do two comics a day or so until I’m caught up, because, seriously, there were some strange comics these past few days.  Anyway.  I just got back from the first day of my new day-job and I’m tired and cranky, so this will probably be short and uncharacteristically mean-spirited.  But I guess we’ll see.

Hi and Lois, 4/26/09


This is yesterday’s comic. I initially read it in the newspaper, so I didn’t get the perplexing throwaway panel.  “Blah blah blah blah blah.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!”  Um.  What?  Are these lyrics, or is it just a sound check?  Either way, I am saddened.  That is the worst song/soundcheck I have ever heard.  But then again, what can you expect from a band called “Noyz”?

Chip’s getup is absolutely ludicrous.  What the fark is he wearing?  A ladybug-patterned sock-cap?  Apparently it brings in the lady listeners, however, as three girls inexplicably appear and show interest in these three clowns.  Those girls would not be interested in those boys.  Those boys are losers.  Period.  “Grab a seat”?  Where?

Also, on a side-note, have you noticed that all the fictional bands you see in the comics or in cartoons or whatever lack a proper bass and have one guy (or girl) on the keyboard?  Now, I’m very positive towards synthesizers (I love me some Depeche Mode), but where hath gone all the basses?  Do they think viewers would be confused if there were two guitar-shaped instruments?  Also, notice how Portly Friend’s kickdrum lacks an actual kicking mechanisim.  I know H&L isn’t known for its fantastic artwork, but still…

Hi and Lois, 4/27/09


And now, today’s comic.

Well, Hi, you have to include wages for staff, including the host/hostess, servers, cooks, busboys; and for the general maintenance of the restaurant itself.  But oh, wait, that’s the logical, non-funny answer.  The funny answer is… oh, wait, there’s no funny answer in this comic, either.  Do they have enough money to pay the bill, or will they be sent back to wash dishes?  Er, does that ever happen in real life?  I would like to say “probably not”.

That’s enough for today.  I need to go break up a dogfight.

Posted in crossed arms, god what awful noyz, munny, real-ish, skipped periods, wtf | 3 Comments »

Awash in an ocean of amotion.

Posted by The Author on April 16, 2009

Guys, I totes have a job interview tomorrow, and I’m a wee bit nervous, both because this is my first “real” interview after years of freelancing, and because I am still trying to get an interview at the place where I really want to work.  At any rate, it’ll be good practice.  Right?  Right.  I need me some employment, as I am going stir crazy.  I mean, I started a snarky blog about an outdated newspaper comic.  The “crazy” part is evident.

Hi and Lois, 4/17/09


Such devotion.  A repartotion of emotion.  I motion the commotion, but where’d he get the notion?  He won’t get a promotion with that locomotion.  Love potion?  Misdevotion.  Don’t forget the lotion.

Beat poetry.  I love it!  Wait, scratch that.  Rhyming “emotion” with “motion” is barely a level above rhyming “one” with “down”.  Good job.

I do love the rather misinformed depiction of The ‘Teen-Agers in this strip.  I don’t think I knew anyone in high school who had a septum piercing, but then again, I went to a fairly yuppyish high school, with carbon-copy boys in khaki cargo pants, polo shirts, white tennis shoes with those short sport socks, and miskept, overgrown hair poking out under their Abercrombie baseball caps.  Not that I was paying attention.  And I adore Chip’s Portly Friend’s sailor cap and poofy poodle bangs.  Hahaha: what the hell?  In other news, is it too much to ask for the artist to include a few more lines in his drawing so that the gray rectangles under the kids’ arms look more like books and less like cardboard inserts you find in new men’s shirts?

The word “lotion” looks weirder and weirder the longer I stare at it.  Lotion.  Lotion.

Posted in "quotes", google-eyes, real-ish, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | Leave a Comment »

Baby, you can drive my car — if you’re really careful.

Posted by The Author on April 9, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/10/09


I remember my first car accident.  It coincided with my first feature film job; I think we were about a week in when one morning, traveling to set, I was quite late.  Well, quite late for me: ten minutes or so.  I’m usually pretty punctual.  But I digress.  I was heading downtown in the usual morning rush-hour traffic.  My attention was diverted for a single second — I looked back at the road and saw that I was barreling towards the car in front of me at about forty miles per hour.  I hit the breaks and coasted to a stop: my front end came right up against the bumper of the car in front of me — clunkAAAAGHHHH MY GODDDDD, I said… on the inside.  On the outside I was quite calm, and the driver waved me over to the shoulder.  Thank Maude we were already in the furthest right lane, or else I don’t know what I would have done in that traffic.  And also thank Maude the other driver was a very nice female college student.  The only damage was to my license plate, which was bent inward.  We went our separate ways without further incident.  Now I had a really good excuse for being late to set.  And then it turned out that I wasn’t late at all.  So it ended up not mattering at all.

My second (and only other “accident”) was a little more exciting, but I’ll save that story for a rainy day.

What is Hi staring at in the first panel?  A giant spider in the corner of the kitchen?  Has Jesus appeared somewhere out of frame?  And then in Panel Two, Lois is again deformed, bobbly-headed and stubby-armed.  Poor Lois.

I’ve also backed into the garbage can a few times, but we’ve got huge-o plastic ones that just fall over into the street and I have to dash out and retrieve it.  I have no idea how Chip could have damaged a garbage can the way he has in this strip.  Maybe a couple of children were bracing it.

Posted in google-eyes, real-ish, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | Leave a Comment »

I’ll give this comic 3.7 out of a fortnight of sawhorses.

Posted by The Author on April 7, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/7/09


Ugh.  What? “Three Wrenches?”  Is that good or bad?  Does a Wrench signify the level of broken-downness, or the relative ease in ability to repair a car?  Is it out of three?  Five?  A hundred?*  I have so many questions.

The real joke here is, of course, “Mechanics charge a lot for the services they provide”.  Ahaha, it’s so true!  Check out Hi’s despondent expression in panel two!  He is so depressed!  Money jokes, in this economy!  Brian and Greg Walker, you slay me!  No, really.  You are killing me.  Please stop.

*This is a good example of why rating systems are inherently flawed; a 7 out of 10, while considered middle-of-the-road, is considerably worse than a three out of five.  Or so I have read. Which is why I love me some Rotten Tomatoes: I don’t have to feel obligated to like or dislike a movie based on one review.  Which I tend to do.  It is a terrible thing.

Posted in "quotes", munny, pocket-hands, real-ish | 3 Comments »

Perhaps the Candyman can.

Posted by The Author on April 2, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/2/09


This grocery store is “COMPLETELY STUPID”

So no one is admitted into the junk food aisle without an adult?  Does that mean that an adult can’t go in without an adult?  And what about the second adult?  Does he or she need an adult as well?  Who can go into this Forbidden Aisle?  Soon we will have a whole cadre of adults trying to squeeze their way into the store, to no avail.  The problem here is poor signage, as I’m sure you’re aware.  Anyway.  If a child has so much sway over a parental unit that even traipsing through the “junk food aisle” will result in a cart full of Ho-Hos and Deep Fried Butter Nuggets, the real problem lies not in the grocery store, but in the parenting.

Lois looks like she’s staring right at us as she speaks her cheerful nonsense.  As well as she can with those eyes.

[Oh, and by the way, there was no April First Mirth in the comics page, except for, like, Blondie.  Utter disappointment.  At least Arlo & Janis repeated my April Fish fact.  Sigh.  Maybe next year.]

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, real-ish | 3 Comments »