High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘“quotes”’ Category

Happy Monday! I guess.

Posted by The Author on June 1, 2009

Let’s get this over with.  I mean, let’s read some Comix!

Hi and Lois, 5/28/09

5/28/09

I don’t have much to say about this one except: now that’s squalor.  My room has looked like that many a time, what with random bitty scraps of paper lying around.  I don’t know about every single drawer bulging open, though.  I’d rather not put anything in drawers at all.  I’m betting Lois is wishing she hadn’t lined the floors with black carpet over the entire house.

Hi and Lois, 5/29/09

5/29/09

Computers will always be too slow, because our attention spans are continuing to wane.  The idea of a Computer-Of-The-Month club both excites and terrifies me, touching both my nerdy and environmentalist sides.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  People suck.

Hi and Lois, 5/30/09

5/30/09

Golf! It’s funny!  Screw you.

Hi and Lois, 5/31/09

5/31/09

Okay. Here we go.  The real meat ‘n’ potatoes of this week.  I can just never get enough of Noyz, can you?  They have such a coherent style!  I’m kidding, of course.  What the Eff.  Chip, are you a hippie?  What’s Mohawk Guy doing there?  Jerry!  Are you supposed to be a bellhop?

I read this comic in the Sunday paper, initially, and knew I just had to see the throwaway panels.  I hoped that they would contain more of Chip’s brilliant lyrics, but it does not.  Apparently the band only has two songs, “Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah (Can You Here Me Now)” and this gem, the Shortest, Angriest Song in the World.  Now, I listen to some pretty questionable music sometimes.  Never have I heard a lyric as explicit and vulgar as “Go ahead and Die! Die! Die!”.  I think they need some work.  Also, what the hell?  Don’t they know that Hi is a Baby-Boomer Parental Figure and will object to all music that doesn’t come from, I dunno, Neil Young or someone?*

They don’t have girlfriends.  Who’s surprised?

That about wraps up the month of May, I guess.  I’ll start with today’s comic tomorrow, along with tomorrow’s comic.  Did that make sense?  I’m sure it did.  See you later.

*Digression: My father has begun playing the video game Rock Band recently, and lemme tell you — it’s the strangest thing in the world to see my dad playing Rage Against The Machine songs and asking what the lyrics are in a Linkin Park song.  “What are they saying?  Stand up when you’re talking to me?”  No, Dad, it’s shut up when you’re talking to me, a physical impossibility unless you know sign language.

Posted in "quotes", age, crossed arms, god what awful noyz, google-eyes, headbands, skipped periods | 4 Comments »

“Tree at my window, window tree”… wait, where’d it go?

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

I wasn’t going to do two comics this evening… er, I mean, this morning!  Right.  I wasn’t going to do two, considering that I am tired and cranky and want to push someone off a cliff.  But out of the goodness of my heart, I said to myself: “Self, you should see what today’s H&L is and then make the decision on comix-related frivolity this evening this morning.”  So, I did!

Hi and Lois, 5/6/09

5/6/09

Ugh.  Two panels, no jokes.

Well… maybe I’m being too harsh.  I guess on the one hand, comics don’t always have to be telling jokes.  Take for example 9 Chickweed Lane.  Sometimes Brooke McEldowney* doesn’t even advance the plot.  Just pretty pictures, showing off the fact that he can draw like a mo-fo.  On the other hand… Chance Browne (or whoever is tracing the templates these days) cannot draw like a mo-fo.  He is a mo-fo; apologies, sir.  But look at that bird.  It resembles a triangle stuck on an over-sized ant.  Those mashed-potato lumps are a sorry excuse for bushes.  And Trixie’s triad of hair-curls drives a spike into my heart every day.

Actually, the art in today’s H&L isn’t all that terrible (considering what we normally see), it’s just a bit “blah”, you know?  I feel like I’ve seen it all before.  In fact…

Hi and Lois, 4/22/09

4/22/09

…it seems that people just can’t get enough of babies leanin’ out windows!  These two comics are virtually identical, except that the first and second panels are swapped.  What happened to the tree in the front yard in the last two weeks?  Once Earth Day was over, did the Flagstons just chop it down and use the wood extend their ranch-style fence around the entire yard?  Did they want a better view of “Thirsty” Thurston’s overgrown, tire-speckled garden?  I have so many questions.

So.  Maybe we’ll just have to deal with the fact that Walker Conglomerate will treat us to some poetry every fortnight.  The image of birds slumbering upon lumps of cotton-candy clouds is kind of lovely, but my original opinion still stands.  This comic eats.

*Admit it.  You thought he was a girl, too.

Posted in "quotes", from the mouths of babes, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Awash in an ocean of amotion.

Posted by The Author on April 16, 2009

Guys, I totes have a job interview tomorrow, and I’m a wee bit nervous, both because this is my first “real” interview after years of freelancing, and because I am still trying to get an interview at the place where I really want to work.  At any rate, it’ll be good practice.  Right?  Right.  I need me some employment, as I am going stir crazy.  I mean, I started a snarky blog about an outdated newspaper comic.  The “crazy” part is evident.

Hi and Lois, 4/17/09

4/17/09

Such devotion.  A repartotion of emotion.  I motion the commotion, but where’d he get the notion?  He won’t get a promotion with that locomotion.  Love potion?  Misdevotion.  Don’t forget the lotion.

Beat poetry.  I love it!  Wait, scratch that.  Rhyming “emotion” with “motion” is barely a level above rhyming “one” with “down”.  Good job.

I do love the rather misinformed depiction of The ‘Teen-Agers in this strip.  I don’t think I knew anyone in high school who had a septum piercing, but then again, I went to a fairly yuppyish high school, with carbon-copy boys in khaki cargo pants, polo shirts, white tennis shoes with those short sport socks, and miskept, overgrown hair poking out under their Abercrombie baseball caps.  Not that I was paying attention.  And I adore Chip’s Portly Friend’s sailor cap and poofy poodle bangs.  Hahaha: what the hell?  In other news, is it too much to ask for the artist to include a few more lines in his drawing so that the gray rectangles under the kids’ arms look more like books and less like cardboard inserts you find in new men’s shirts?

The word “lotion” looks weirder and weirder the longer I stare at it.  Lotion.  Lotion.

Posted in "quotes", google-eyes, real-ish, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | Leave a Comment »

Some post-Easter frivolities

Posted by The Author on April 14, 2009

Well, I suppose I can’t put this off any longer, or else the comics will just keep on buildin’ up and buildin’ up and soon I’ll be even more miserable.  So forgive me if I’m a little short in this post; I’m just not feelin’ it today.  Also, I’ve been droppin’ my g’s, a sure sign that I am beginning to lose it.  Er, excuse me, I mean beginnin’.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/09

4/11/09

Of course there’s enough for her: they’re eating invisible food.  Unless they plan on sharing that green cartoon duck’s foot in the center of the table.  Seriously, Chance Brown, would it have taken you more than five minutes to plop a few steaks on those plates?  Or even the ol’ generic Food Lumps?  Please.

Hmm.  What could Mrs. Thurston (I know she has a first name… Irma?  I’m not going to look it up) have been making so close to dinner that required a cup of sugar?  A friggin’ dinner-cake?  Unless she sent Mr. T off earlier that afternoon and just now realized that he hadn’t returned.

Hi and Lois, 4/12/09

4/12/09

Ignoring the lameness of the jokes in this “comic”, who the heck gives a very breakable egg to an infant?  She’s going to stuff the whole thing in her mouth and choke on that bitch.  Ah, well.  So, are they coloring eggs on Easter morning?  I suppose so, since Ditto is flaunting his chocolate booty.  My family goes to church at seven forty-five on Easter morning.  We don’t got no time to sit around and color eggs.  Actually, that’s why Easter is probably my least favorite holiday: because I have to wake up early.  Anyway.  Screw all y’all.

Hi and Lois, 4/13/09

4/13/09

I read Monday’s strip in the paper on Monday morning, not the night before on the Internet like I usually do.  So when I read this strip, I immediately thought: “Rating the holidays by the quantity of candy?!?  With that logic, the order of holidays should be Christmas, then Easter, then Halloween, because, honestly, Christmas is gift-centric, not candy-centric.  Another flawed rating system!  If only I could tell everyone how irked I am at this comic strip!”  Then I remembered that I write a blog about this comic strip.  Luckily.

Hi and Lois, 4/14/09

4/14/09

Aaaahhhh, finally, Tax Comix!  And the day before our taxes are due!  H&L, you have surprised me!

Er, are doing one’s taxes really that, ahem, taxing nowadays?  Now that we have our fancy-schmancy computer programs and so forth.  I mean, it’s really not that difficult: enter your W2s, 1099s if you have them (I do, sometimes), enter your deductions… bam.  You’re done.  Maybe it’s just me, but it’s not like the friggin’ Apocalypse or something. It doesn’t make me dream up fakey prescription medications that no doubt have a laundry list of side-effects.  Tax Lax, indeed.  What is this sudden fascination with prescription medications?  It may be that the writers are old.

Anyhoozle.

I’ve got House Hunters on in the background while I write this (shut up, it’s either that or Generic “An Animal Is Eating Me” Show), and one of the homebuyers has the same name as I do.  And the realtor keeps saying her name; like, sandwiching sentences with it.  “KT, how do you like this room, KT?”  It’s very distracting.  I’m always suspicious of people who use people’s names too often.  I know they do it to seem more friendly and personable.  It doesn’t work on me.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, half-assed, munny, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

I’ll give this comic 3.7 out of a fortnight of sawhorses.

Posted by The Author on April 7, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/7/09

4/7/09

Ugh.  What? “Three Wrenches?”  Is that good or bad?  Does a Wrench signify the level of broken-downness, or the relative ease in ability to repair a car?  Is it out of three?  Five?  A hundred?*  I have so many questions.

The real joke here is, of course, “Mechanics charge a lot for the services they provide”.  Ahaha, it’s so true!  Check out Hi’s despondent expression in panel two!  He is so depressed!  Money jokes, in this economy!  Brian and Greg Walker, you slay me!  No, really.  You are killing me.  Please stop.

*This is a good example of why rating systems are inherently flawed; a 7 out of 10, while considered middle-of-the-road, is considerably worse than a three out of five.  Or so I have read. Which is why I love me some Rotten Tomatoes: I don’t have to feel obligated to like or dislike a movie based on one review.  Which I tend to do.  It is a terrible thing.

Posted in "quotes", munny, pocket-hands, real-ish | 3 Comments »

It’s time for the Cleeeean House!

Posted by The Author on April 6, 2009

So I’ve been bloggin’ H&L for over a month, missing very few days.  That’s pretty sad impressive.  As was bound to happen, some of my real-life friends found what I have written, and read the entire archives; no doubt they question my sanity now.  No, I jest: they seem pretty cool about it.  That’s why they are my friends.  They appreciate strange obsessions.  And such.  Anyhoozle.  Without further ado: today’s comic.

Hi and Lois, 4/6/09

4/6/09

Who is “they”?  The Style Network?  The In-laws?  The kids?  The voices in her head?  I’m glad she’s keeping that pogo stick.  And I’m sure The Poor will appreciate the shoebox.

This comic makes me sad because it reminds me of things I should probably do soon: like, clean out my closet and donate things to charity because — heckfire — I certainly don’t need all of it.  I have the bad habit of getting distracted while I clean, though.  I’ll come across something like a notebook full of old drawings and I’ll spend the next half-hour taking a trip down memory lane, amazed at how horrible an artist I used to be.*  Or I’ll find my bin of Grand Champions and before I know it I’m brushing out their tails and braiding their manes and trotting them around my room.  Well, that hasn’t happened for a while, but you get the idea.  I’ve got a lot of memories stacked up in my closet.

Which brings me to my next question.  What exactly is Lois organizing and where is she now?  The basement?  The living room?  A parking lot?  A dentist’s office?  Hi’s got that damn newspaper again.  Do Dads always wander around with newspapers in their hands?  The answer: yes, it makes them look more Dadly.

* Fer reals, guys.  Gigantic sparkly anime** eyes and stickly arms and pointy hair.  Luckily I grew out of it in time for art school.

**WordPress spellcheck doesn’t recognize the word “anime”!  Or, for that matter, the word WordPress!

Posted in "quotes", google-eyes, skipped periods | 3 Comments »

Perhaps the Candyman can.

Posted by The Author on April 2, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/2/09

4/2/09

This grocery store is “COMPLETELY STUPID”

So no one is admitted into the junk food aisle without an adult?  Does that mean that an adult can’t go in without an adult?  And what about the second adult?  Does he or she need an adult as well?  Who can go into this Forbidden Aisle?  Soon we will have a whole cadre of adults trying to squeeze their way into the store, to no avail.  The problem here is poor signage, as I’m sure you’re aware.  Anyway.  If a child has so much sway over a parental unit that even traipsing through the “junk food aisle” will result in a cart full of Ho-Hos and Deep Fried Butter Nuggets, the real problem lies not in the grocery store, but in the parenting.

Lois looks like she’s staring right at us as she speaks her cheerful nonsense.  As well as she can with those eyes.

[Oh, and by the way, there was no April First Mirth in the comics page, except for, like, Blondie.  Utter disappointment.  At least Arlo & Janis repeated my April Fish fact.  Sigh.  Maybe next year.]

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, real-ish | 3 Comments »

Tuesday is Random Subject Extravaganza Day

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

I wasn’t going to make a post this evening, seeing as the last few days of H&L have been terrible, and un-motivating, and soul-sucking, and… well, you know.  But then I came to today’s strip, and, well, I’ve got to talk about it, because it is a horror show, quite literally.  Well, not literally, but… er, anyway, first here are the last few days of H&L:

Hi and Lois, 3/29/09

3/29/09

Once again, the ol’ “wimmins have too many things, what with their closets and closets full of shoes” and the even older “menz are ruff and tuff and need no possessions, except for a gun”, and Hi keeps his in the nightstand.  So, yes, Lois, he does need it.  Also, I ask you, do any women run around cleaning the house in an old throw-up green college jersey from U Conn (do they live in Connecticut?  They never talk about going to “the city”, though, do they?) and a pink polka-dot ‘kerchief?  Well, I guess I do wear a pink ‘kerchief (I am not kidding).  Anyway.  This comic eats.

Hi and Lois, 3/30/09

3/30/09, fer reals

Is it just me, or does Ditto look like he’s balding in the first panel?  Oh, Color Monkeys!  You provide me with endless amusement.

Recently (okay, way back in January of Ought Nine) I took part in a national commercial for [Insert Popular Restaurant Name Here], assisting in casting of extras during pre-production and being an extra myself on the second day of the shoot.  Fer reals.  I will tell you this: we were in a large stadium, and basketball was involved.  We were there for a long-o time, about thirteen hours (people do not realize how long film and commercial work takes: it is a lot), and at one point, to stave off boredom as we watched the basketball players go through the same routine over and over again, take after take, and faking excitement as a crowd member, take after take, I tried to be funny by demonstrating my lack of basketball knowledge.  “I hope we don’t go into overtime!” I said jokingly.

My seatmate said, “That’s a legitimate term in basketball.”  It’s true, it is; it also was part of the commercial, as I would later find out.  D’oh.

A little later on: “C’mon, Team! Make a field goal!”

“No, that’s real, too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”  And it went on like that.  Fun times.  You had to be there.  Anyway, my point is that I don’t know if 258 is good or not because I have no frame of reference.  See what I did there?  “Frame”!  Like in bowling!  Ahahaha!

Hi and Lois, 3/31/09

3/31/09

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Where the dingity-dang is the joke in this strip?  That Trixie is going to kill her entire family whilst they slumber, like some kind of Real-Life Chucky?  Is she possessed?  What are they watching?  Friggin’ The Ring or The Eye or something?  Or perhaps Lois is saying “How can you watch this Scary Movie with your [etc]”, in which case we have even more to worry about, as Trixie will go around saying WASSSSAAAAP* until her teen years.  That is considerably worse, since the pain and suffering will last a lot longer.  Let’s pray for “kill in sleep”.

*I confess that I have never actually seen Scary Movie, but I have seen the previews, and that’s the only part I remember.  And therein lies the danger of putting ephemeral pop culture references in your movies, folks: in a few years (and sometimes months) it will seem hopelessly dated.  Just look at the pile o’ crapola Disaster Movie, which I think wrote its movie-making-fun-of jokes before said movies were even released to the public.  Stupid, stupid people; at long last, sir, do they have no sense of decency?  But that is the subject of another post, wouldn’t you say?  I think so.

Posted in "quotes", color monkeys, crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, gender, horror, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

You know kids these days, with their Beck and their Braun handheld blenders

Posted by The Author on March 28, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/28/09

3/28/09

Hey, have you heard of that new “technology”?  Seems like we have “mobile” telephones, on which we may “send” messages, also known as “texts”.  Now Hi won’t be able to “avoid” his oppressive “spouse” and will have to cancel the “rendezvous” with his “office friend” so he can “stay home” and “clean the garage.”  (Well-read Comic Curmudgeoners will recognize that reference; I can’t find the relevant blog entry, but just trust me, it’s great.  Zing!)

You know, I kinda like this brush-pen look.  Yes, in reality it appears sort of half-assed, but it harkens back to an early 70s style, no?  Or maybe it’s just me.  At any rate, Lois is part monkey in the first panel.

Posted in "quotes", half-assed, technology | Leave a Comment »

“I sinned, a sin no gallows could atone.”

Posted by The Author on March 22, 2009

Ah, Sunday.  Well, Saturday night, actually, but let’s pretend I’m doing something much cooler on a Saturday night than writing a blog entry about a dated, bland comic strip.  Sometimes I wish I wrote about a comic that didn’t have Sunday strips, like Gil Thorp, or to a lesser extent, Mark Trail.  Then I would get a day off.  I mean, I can take a day off if I very well freaking want to; it’s my blog, after all.  But enough rambling!  Let’s get down to business.

Hi and Lois, 3/22/09

3/22/09

What in the Nine Hells is going on here?!?  On the one hand, I’m glad Lois is wearing a color other than pink, and to see an actual freaking background for once.  But on the other hand — no, clutched in the other hand, dripping and oozing between the fingers, is a humorless, Oedipal nightmare.  Check out how Chip’s reflection materializes like a mist; perhaps he is some sort of spectral vampire, I don’t know; all I do know is that the relationship between Lois and her son has just made me extremely uncomfortable.  Regard that tartan-looking thing thrown casually over the back of the couch in Panel One.  Some might think it is an ugly plaid shirt; I, on the other hand, believe it strongly resembles a pleated schoolgirl skirt.  The plot, as they say, thickens.

Anyway.  Where is the joke here?  Freckles?  “You think so?”  What the fark kind of punchline is that?  In all my (admittedly sad) years of reading H&L, I have never understood The Females’ attraction to Son Chip.  His unkempt hair.  His band, “Noyz”, whose members look like they were assembled from random default Guitar Hero: World Tour characters.  I would not call him athletic, nor intelligent.  Nor would I call him witty.  A witty person would think of a witty response to “Or it could be the freckles”, something wittier than “You think so?”  Something about Lois’s own freckles not doing a thing for her own attractiveness or something, I don’t know, I’m tired and I’m aghast at this excuse for a comic.  This is taking up space on the so-called “Funny Pages” that might be used for an up-and-coming artist with a strip on the web that has nary a dozen readers but is genius, and thoughtful, and actually witty.  But no! We must endure Non-Jokes sprung every day from the fertile loins of Mort Walker & Sons every day for the rest of our lives, and so must our children, and their children, and so on until the sun explodes.

So is Lois throwing a Book Sale or what?  They can’t just set up these vital story elements and then not use them or say anything about them.  I am disappointed.  I was looking forward to Book Sale Antics.  Well, maybe tomorrow.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »