High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘mutations’ Category

It’s a madhouse! A madhouse!

Posted by The Author on May 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/20/09


Yes, the “cleansing” experience, the “experience” in which Chip “cleanses” most “intimately”.  (shudder)  Well, you tell me!   He’s a teenage boy, after all.  My mind automatically shoots straight into the gutter at any mention of cleansing.

Here is another case of Things That Don’t Look Like That Anymore.  Alarm clocks.  Sure, my own clock is analog instead of the facy-pants glow-in-the-dark digital doo-dads they have these days, but it’s not so old that it still has the two bells on top that are manually hit with a hammer.  Those things are freakin’ loud, aren’t they?  TICKATICKATICKATICKA… et cetera.  In conclusion, whoever drew this comic is about ninety years old.

Finally: either the Flagstons have a shower right off their kitchen, or that bathroom is wider than a three-car garage.  Seriously, Lois!  What are you doing waltzing right into the bathroom when your son is cleansing himself?!  For shame.


Posted in horror, mutations, real-ish | 2 Comments »

That’s good enough for me.

Posted by The Author on May 14, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/14/09


I call no way.  There’s not a chance in Heck that Lois the health-food shilling nutcase would have that many different varities of demon sweets in her house.  Actually, some of them look more like stacks of CDs, but that’s not the point!  Did Ditto knock over some poor little Girl Scout to procure this bounty of cookies?  I shudder to think.  At any rate, I think Lois’s reaction should be less “looking on with an oh-you-kids expression” and more “wide-eyed gaping-mouthed horror followed by subsequent table-diving”, taking into account her past measures to secure her children’s health.

A few more items of note:

  • Another case of Mutating Background Affliction.  Between panel one and two the cupboards shift, Ditto’s chair changes color, and the pictures on the fridge turn from delightful family snapshots and cut-out comic strips to what appears to be either the flag of some foreign country or the moon seen through a window.  Huh.  Is it that difficult to draw the same thing twice?  Even better, do you, Mr. or Ms. Artist, need to constantly put yourself in a position where you are required to render a scene from the same angle?  Why not switch viewpoints?  Just a little forty-five degree shift, that’s all.  You’re not taking advantage of the medium is all I’m saying.  But all that is serious critique, not blatant making-fun-of, which is what the people have come for.  And this bullet-list item has become very long indeed.
  • Ditto.  Sweetheart.  You know nothing of gourmet, which probably shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve been eight years old for the past half-century.  It’s not ice cream that cleanses the palate, it’s sorbet.  All you want is an excuse to gorge yourself on biscuits.
  • That was pretty much all I had.  I’m done now.
  • Oh, wait, just kidding!  Also, Lois’s neckerscarf is hideous.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

“Tree at my window, window tree”… wait, where’d it go?

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

I wasn’t going to do two comics this evening… er, I mean, this morning!  Right.  I wasn’t going to do two, considering that I am tired and cranky and want to push someone off a cliff.  But out of the goodness of my heart, I said to myself: “Self, you should see what today’s H&L is and then make the decision on comix-related frivolity this evening this morning.”  So, I did!

Hi and Lois, 5/6/09


Ugh.  Two panels, no jokes.

Well… maybe I’m being too harsh.  I guess on the one hand, comics don’t always have to be telling jokes.  Take for example 9 Chickweed Lane.  Sometimes Brooke McEldowney* doesn’t even advance the plot.  Just pretty pictures, showing off the fact that he can draw like a mo-fo.  On the other hand… Chance Browne (or whoever is tracing the templates these days) cannot draw like a mo-fo.  He is a mo-fo; apologies, sir.  But look at that bird.  It resembles a triangle stuck on an over-sized ant.  Those mashed-potato lumps are a sorry excuse for bushes.  And Trixie’s triad of hair-curls drives a spike into my heart every day.

Actually, the art in today’s H&L isn’t all that terrible (considering what we normally see), it’s just a bit “blah”, you know?  I feel like I’ve seen it all before.  In fact…

Hi and Lois, 4/22/09


…it seems that people just can’t get enough of babies leanin’ out windows!  These two comics are virtually identical, except that the first and second panels are swapped.  What happened to the tree in the front yard in the last two weeks?  Once Earth Day was over, did the Flagstons just chop it down and use the wood extend their ranch-style fence around the entire yard?  Did they want a better view of “Thirsty” Thurston’s overgrown, tire-speckled garden?  I have so many questions.

So.  Maybe we’ll just have to deal with the fact that Walker Conglomerate will treat us to some poetry every fortnight.  The image of birds slumbering upon lumps of cotton-candy clouds is kind of lovely, but my original opinion still stands.  This comic eats.

*Admit it.  You thought he was a girl, too.

Posted in "quotes", from the mouths of babes, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Maybe you should have bought FLOOD INSURANCE!

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y’all!  My comrade has informed me that most persons of the Mexican persuasion celebrate on the first Sunday of May, though, so I guess I missed it completely.  But forget about all that. ONE THOUSAND VIEWSSSS, BITCHES!!

Hi and Lois, 5/5/09


…and to celebrate, Depressing Comix!  You know that recession?  It’s still happening!  Ahaha!  You know, if you had saved your money under the mattress instead of in a rickety old bank and dumb ol’ stocks, you mightn’t be in this situation.  What a fool.

Something funny… need something funny… um… Mr. T’s arms are too short!  Ahaha!  Oh, you guys.  Just continued on your merry way to the TIVO store.

Here’s a comic I missed during my period of life-paying-attention-to.*  It’s a bit weird.

Hi and Lois, 4/23/09


I have a few issues.

1) Yes, Ditto, you are too old, when your “superhero underwear” consists of striped shorts, a t-shirt with a logo, a belt, and goddamn slippers.

2) The background in this strip is totally effing nuts.  First panel: are they in the bathroom?  Why is Dot walking in on her brother in the bathroom when he is in his underwear?  Is that a counter top and sink behind them?  The bathtub?  A radiator?  Is that the shower curtain, or some really ugly drapes?  And then in the second panel, everything is different!   I don’t know why I continue to be surprised by that, but I am.

3) Why is Dot walking in on her brother in the bathroom when he is in his underwear.

*Mental health week?  Personal Times?  The correct term evades me.

Posted in current events, munny, mutations, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | 1 Comment »

The April Fool’s that comes in the middle of the month

Posted by The Author on April 14, 2009

So… comics.

Hi and Lois, 4/15/09


Ah-HA!  There’s that second Tax-Time comic I was expecting.  And luckily it’s only funny to accountants!  The first panel is totally superfluous, you know that, don’t you?  I think that should be a new category.  Something like… “two panels, one joke”.  No cups, though.  Ahaha, I hope no one got that one!

Er, Mr. T, I think that if you’re only just now getting around to filing your taxes, on the very day that said taxes are due, then you’re going to have a few problems.  And then the blatant illegal requests.  I like the taxman’s magical desk, though: the sign in the background stays the same, but the tabletop tilts like one of them old-fangled boxes with the maze inside and you have to guide the little ball through.  Okay, that’s a reach, but I couldn’t find a shorter term for such a box, except “Labyrintspel”, and that’s pretty obscure, don’tcha think?

The sketchy, thick-lined artist is back.  And Thurston is blond again.  Manic-Depressive Comix!

Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, current events, munny, mutations, skipped periods | Leave a Comment »

Observations on several subjects

Posted by The Author on April 8, 2009

Before we begin this post: a note!  Because blogs such as Date Wrecks and You Suck at Craigslist have inspired me so greatly, I’ve started a new blog, one I can update sporadically and save my sanity from the horror-trap of H&L.  For now it is called Missed Connections, but hopefully I’ll think of a more snarky title later on.  The first few entries are neither too lulsy nor horrifying; hopefully I’ll find something good.

Tell your friends, tell your coworkers; climb onto rooftops and litter the streets with fliers.  Whatever it takes.

Now: comix!

Hi and Lois, 4/8/09


Zzzzzz….*snrk* Wha-happa?! A badly drawn comic with badly executed jokes?!? Yes. Is Chip holding a glass in his deformed hand, or is that part of the design on his shirt? I do not know. Everyone looks like they were drawn by someone else, someone who normally illustrates IKEA directions or something.

You’d assume that this was just a cute-kid-thinks-cute-thoughts comic, wouldn’t you? Take a gander out the window. Do you see anything outside? It appears that the house is buried in fifteen feet of snow… or, (and my mind tends to drift in the sinister direction, in case you haven’t noticed) Trixie is actually watching a nuclear blast; soon the paint on the walls with turn to smoke and the roof will be ripped from its moors. Actually, poor Trixie has probably already been blinded. Dawg is a bit smarter; he’s already ducked-and-covered.

Did you ever see Duck and Cover? Not the Mallard Filmore blog, the terrifying 50s-era filmstrip for school-age children. It’s amazing.

Hi and Lois, 4/9/09


The way Lois is drawn in this strip… it just makes me feel sorry for her.  Look at her itty-bitty, outstretched arms.  She can’t even reach into her own pockets.  And thanks, Chance Browne, for labeling the vehicle as a BUS.  I would have never figured it out on my own.  For seriously.  Hey, the grass (?) changes from gray to lime green.  WHAT.

Another example of people who have heard of this “Internet” thing, and maybe use it to check their email and such — they just upgraded from Prodigy to AOL, you know, because discs they kept getting in the mail seemed like a heckuva deal — and they want to incorporate the LOLs of Today into their fifty five-year old comic strip.  Dramatic Prairie Dog!  Rick Astley!  See, I can do it, too.

Spoiler Alert… ur doin it wrong.  A spoiler alert indicates that information of a revealing nature is forthcoming.  Dot is providing what we call a “teaser”.  No doubt these post cards of which she speaks are brutally honest and sometimes frightening.

It took me an hour to craft this post.  Aaaarrgh.

Posted in color monkeys, from the mouths of babes, mutations, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, technology | Leave a Comment »

Whatever happened to “be excellent to each other”?

Posted by The Author on April 3, 2009

Argh.  Dudes.  I’m trying to revamp my website (which shall remain nameless — it is from my other life [meaning, job-life]), and it’s driving me nuts-o.  Apparently all these months of blogging and relying on templates has caused my HTML skills to, er, rust a little, so I find myself stumbling around, yelling at the computer when I find out that the “align” attribute in the <div> tag has been deprecated.  Change sucks, yo — especially when I’m expected to know cascading style sheets in order to build a stupid little webpage.  It may just be that my web host is drivin’ me crazy, too.  I would like to have the ability to transfer a file from one folder to another, thank you very much!  Arglebargle!

Ahem.  But anyway. Why not take a break and bask in the calming effects of H&L.  Won’t you?

Hi and Lois, 4/3/09


What the brickity-brack paddy-whack is going on in this strip?!  Up is down!  Black is white!  People’s hairstyles seem to be morphing from panel to panel!  We all know that Thurston is a blond.  He has always been a blond.  Apparently this morning, in his ever-present drunken haze, has confused his shampoo with a bottle of his wife’s hair dye.  Maybe it’s a wig, two days too late for April Fool’s Day.  Whatever it is, it’s creepin’ me out.  And Hi, between Panel One and Panel Two, seems to have taken a buzzer to the side of his head, so he may sport the “punk” look that all the kids have these days.

Generic Crotchety Boss uses the word “like” in an all too casual manner.  Do bosses really talk like that nowadays?  “I am so totally firing you, brah,” he will probably say at the next employee performance review.  “Dude.  Those reports?  Totally heinous.”  Do beer-bong drinkin’, puka-shell wearin’, tribal-tat havin’ frat boys actually say “heinous”?  I hope they do.

The point is that this comic has failed on many levels.

Posted in color monkeys, drunkeness, mutations, wtf | 2 Comments »

People love it when you lose; they love Dirty Laundry

Posted by The Author on March 22, 2009

Quick Monday note: hello again!  Thanks for stopping by!  The other day I totalled whopping thirty-six views, and I’m pretty sure individual visitors are only counted once, but I may be wrong about that.  Thirty-six views in one day!  I do appreciate it.  It’s about thirty-four more views than I was expecting.

Also, someone came to this page via a search for “people inflation”.  This intrigues me.  Does it refer to the inflation of humanity as a whole, in a figurative sense?  Or literally, and of a single, specific person, like those hideous anime-esque pictures on 4chan or DeviantArt or whatever that depict women with rapidly enlarging bosoms or what have you?  My Dear Reader, I sincerely hope it is the former.

Hi and Lois, 3/23/09


Hey, bucko, if you don’t like the way she’s doing the laundry, do it yourself.  Jeezy Creezy.

By the way, Lois’s reasoning is a bit flawed, dontcha think?  Kids don’t like their clothing being washed together?  1) Don’t let them into the basement.  Fold ’em and put them in seperate baskets.  (The clothes, not the kids.)  It’s worth it to prevent having loads of differently-colored clothes turn grayish purple in the wash.  Or, 2) tell them to stop being little brats.  I swear.

The Flagstons’ basement seems to exist in some kind of otherworldly plane where things randomly change position.  The first panel is innocuous enough, right?  Facing the back wall of the laundry area, we presume.  Then in Panel Two — which is essentially a 180-degree camera turn-around — Lois, Hi, and both laundry baskets swap places.  It’s magical; somewhat disorienting; could it be a new non-linear, existential angle?  One can only hope.

You know… I enjoy pink.  It’s my favorite color.  However, I don’t wear it every day.  Many, many persons of the female persuasion don’t wear it every day.  In the world of H&L, though, they do.  Pink and blue, the easy way out.  Do you have some sort of palate you have to follow, Color Monkeys?  Only four or five hues per comic?  IDo you make good use of the Eyedropper Tool in Photoshop?  I have so many questions.

(Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down…)

Posted in color monkeys, lulsy search terms, mutations, real-ish | 3 Comments »

In like a lion, I guess…

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/21/09


Oh, dearie me.  Ignoring the most obvious comment here (The mens like the sports and the wimmins ceeeyyyan’t steeeand ’em! Comedy Gold!  Spousal Discord!  Impending Divorce If We’re Lucky But Mostly Likely Years Of Stifled Unhappiness!) , I’ve got to point out a few things: in Panel Uno, Thirsty is wearing either a flesh-colored glove or has party dots and a very badly done tribal tattoo.  Good try, Color Monkeys!  In Panel Dos, check out Hi’s squatty little arm — it’s hilarious.  And the more I look at it, the more horrified I become.  It may even be horrlarious.  At least Hi seems to be overcoming his disability and is now taking fashion tips from his son for the occasion.  Check out the March Madness Spread, by the way; there’s a flag in the mashed potatoes.  A white surrender flag.

I don’t really follow basketball… at all… nor do I follow any sport (I presume that neither marching band competitions nor dog shows count), so these Hee-larious Sports Comix are usually lost on me.  Le sigh.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, mutations, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | 4 Comments »

Hey, we should balance some eggs on end!

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/20/09


Yes, that would make more sense, if it made any sense at all.   Goddamn you to hell, Hi, for indulging your son’s retarded little fantasies.   Arrrgh!  I want to insert an ellipsis in the second speech bubble.  Don’t you? That would make more sense.

Whew.  What happened back there?  I’m calmer now.  Anyhoozle, another bleak weather comic with a bleak snowy landscape and bleak houses that inexplicably turn completely white in winter, save for their cyan shutters.  The poor Color Monkeys may be to blame for Ditto’s sudden appearance of sleeves in the second panel, but then again, the source artwork is pretty vague. Perhaps ten minutes have passed between panels, and Ditto had time to change into a white button-down shirt and Han Solo vest before finishing his sentence.

At least it is technically Spring now, so perhaps there will be fewer snow jokes and more tax-time jokes.  I gurantee that there will be at least two Tax Comix in the next month.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, mutations, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »