High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘horror’ Category

I guess they had an early tee-time that day.

Posted by The Author on May 27, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/27/09

5/27/09

Oh, man.  Two panels, no jokes.

Now, personally, I love worms.  Yes, really.  I think they’re cute.  Perhaps it’s the fact that they’re tiny and have no terrifying legs or eyes to contend with.  And they eat rubbish and poop out dirt.  Cute!  So Trixie’s intentional damnation of said worms is a little disheartening.  Yes, yes, circle of life and food chain and all that jazz; birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, blah blee blah.  I’m all for that.  I love birds, too.  However, I don’t go around tossing baby rabbits to the hawks.

Also, what kind of effed-up soil do the Flagstons have if worms are just wriggling on the surface?  That is not so cute.

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Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, from the mouths of babes, half-assed, horror | 1 Comment »

It’s a madhouse! A madhouse!

Posted by The Author on May 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/20/09

5/20/09

Yes, the “cleansing” experience, the “experience” in which Chip “cleanses” most “intimately”.  (shudder)  Well, you tell me!   He’s a teenage boy, after all.  My mind automatically shoots straight into the gutter at any mention of cleansing.

Here is another case of Things That Don’t Look Like That Anymore.  Alarm clocks.  Sure, my own clock is analog instead of the facy-pants glow-in-the-dark digital doo-dads they have these days, but it’s not so old that it still has the two bells on top that are manually hit with a hammer.  Those things are freakin’ loud, aren’t they?  TICKATICKATICKATICKA… et cetera.  In conclusion, whoever drew this comic is about ninety years old.

Finally: either the Flagstons have a shower right off their kitchen, or that bathroom is wider than a three-car garage.  Seriously, Lois!  What are you doing waltzing right into the bathroom when your son is cleansing himself?!  For shame.

Posted in horror, mutations, real-ish | 2 Comments »

This barely qualifies as Monday.

Posted by The Author on May 4, 2009

Back from my mini-vaycay.  I have returned to the working world.  Huzzah.

Hi and Lois, 5/2/09

5/2/09

At first I thought this was the not-very-frequently reoccurring H&L character Mr. Waverly, minus his trademark wrinkly fisherman’s hat.*  He usually appears to talk about things like veterans, and The Good Old Days.  This would certainly be a new deal for him, erecting a wall between him and the cruel world outside.  But, look!  This fellow’s fears are not unfounded, considering the inky-black sky in the middle of the day.  Nuclear winter, perhaps?  Well, if that were the case, I’d be less worried about putting up a fence and more concerned with, like, being melted and stuff.

Hi and Lois, 5/3/09

5/3/09

More baseball!  That does it: I’m adding a “baseball” tag.  (I know, right?!)  It comes up more frequently than golf.  Also, “adorable baby antics”, or something.  They are too frequent to ignore.  Can anyone actually hear what Trixie is saying… er, thinking?  Can Dawg hear her?  Can he read the thoughts of the young and innocent? If he can, he’s probably sighing and rolling his eyes along with the rest of us.

So, Ditto to set up those cardboard figures of baseball players in the yard so that he can berate his wise-cracking sister?  I approve!

Hi and Lois, 5/4/09

5/4/09

Yeah, you big tub-o.  If you eat another Cheeto, your pencily neck might not threaten to snap in half.  Best hand the key to your husband, who is surely responsible enough not to gorge his blue-sweatered-self on delicious trans fats and high fructose corn syrups** and partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and… excuse me, I’m craving some Oreos now.

Go U Conn!

*The fact that I know minute details about this character without actually looking it up makes me very sad.

**Don’t you know what they say about it?  Oh, no worries, it’s natural.  Just like the bubonic plague.  And fire ants!

Posted in baseball, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, horror | Leave a Comment »

In France it’s called The April Fish! I bet you did not know that.

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

A special three-panel H&L for today!

Hi and Lois, 4/1/09

4/1/09

Oh, April Fool’s Day. I always forget you are coming, and then I am confused at the haps* of the day, when everything is different.  I do not find you particularly amusing or mirthful, though others may. I guess I’ll have a lot to look forward to in the comics page tomorrow.  I guess.  Remember that year when a bunch of the comics swapped strips with each other?  I do.  Am I old?  Perhaps.

Anyhoozle.  If Chip didn’t do all that good-natured, honest work, why is there a giant sweatdrop coming off his forehead?  Nervousness about being caught in his lame-o lie?  Or maybe it is a tear over his sudden case of baldness in panel two.  Also!  Who’s stealing my catchphrases, huh?  They even spelled it wrong!  It’s “fer reals“, guys.  If you’re going to use hip slang, do the proper research and consult me first.

Check out Lois’s beady button eyes in panel one.  Her real April Fool’s Day trick is that she’s been replaced by a cyborg.  Or a clone, or a body-snatching alien; whatever your sci-fi flavor may be.  The point is that it’s freaking me out.  How far out am I freaking?  All the way.  I mean, look at her mechanical laugh in panel three.  That laugh belongeth not to a human.

*happenings

Posted in color monkeys, half-assed, horror, pop culture | 2 Comments »

Tuesday is Random Subject Extravaganza Day

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

I wasn’t going to make a post this evening, seeing as the last few days of H&L have been terrible, and un-motivating, and soul-sucking, and… well, you know.  But then I came to today’s strip, and, well, I’ve got to talk about it, because it is a horror show, quite literally.  Well, not literally, but… er, anyway, first here are the last few days of H&L:

Hi and Lois, 3/29/09

3/29/09

Once again, the ol’ “wimmins have too many things, what with their closets and closets full of shoes” and the even older “menz are ruff and tuff and need no possessions, except for a gun”, and Hi keeps his in the nightstand.  So, yes, Lois, he does need it.  Also, I ask you, do any women run around cleaning the house in an old throw-up green college jersey from U Conn (do they live in Connecticut?  They never talk about going to “the city”, though, do they?) and a pink polka-dot ‘kerchief?  Well, I guess I do wear a pink ‘kerchief (I am not kidding).  Anyway.  This comic eats.

Hi and Lois, 3/30/09

3/30/09, fer reals

Is it just me, or does Ditto look like he’s balding in the first panel?  Oh, Color Monkeys!  You provide me with endless amusement.

Recently (okay, way back in January of Ought Nine) I took part in a national commercial for [Insert Popular Restaurant Name Here], assisting in casting of extras during pre-production and being an extra myself on the second day of the shoot.  Fer reals.  I will tell you this: we were in a large stadium, and basketball was involved.  We were there for a long-o time, about thirteen hours (people do not realize how long film and commercial work takes: it is a lot), and at one point, to stave off boredom as we watched the basketball players go through the same routine over and over again, take after take, and faking excitement as a crowd member, take after take, I tried to be funny by demonstrating my lack of basketball knowledge.  “I hope we don’t go into overtime!” I said jokingly.

My seatmate said, “That’s a legitimate term in basketball.”  It’s true, it is; it also was part of the commercial, as I would later find out.  D’oh.

A little later on: “C’mon, Team! Make a field goal!”

“No, that’s real, too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”  And it went on like that.  Fun times.  You had to be there.  Anyway, my point is that I don’t know if 258 is good or not because I have no frame of reference.  See what I did there?  “Frame”!  Like in bowling!  Ahahaha!

Hi and Lois, 3/31/09

3/31/09

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Where the dingity-dang is the joke in this strip?  That Trixie is going to kill her entire family whilst they slumber, like some kind of Real-Life Chucky?  Is she possessed?  What are they watching?  Friggin’ The Ring or The Eye or something?  Or perhaps Lois is saying “How can you watch this Scary Movie with your [etc]”, in which case we have even more to worry about, as Trixie will go around saying WASSSSAAAAP* until her teen years.  That is considerably worse, since the pain and suffering will last a lot longer.  Let’s pray for “kill in sleep”.

*I confess that I have never actually seen Scary Movie, but I have seen the previews, and that’s the only part I remember.  And therein lies the danger of putting ephemeral pop culture references in your movies, folks: in a few years (and sometimes months) it will seem hopelessly dated.  Just look at the pile o’ crapola Disaster Movie, which I think wrote its movie-making-fun-of jokes before said movies were even released to the public.  Stupid, stupid people; at long last, sir, do they have no sense of decency?  But that is the subject of another post, wouldn’t you say?  I think so.

Posted in "quotes", color monkeys, crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, gender, horror, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

“I sinned, a sin no gallows could atone.”

Posted by The Author on March 22, 2009

Ah, Sunday.  Well, Saturday night, actually, but let’s pretend I’m doing something much cooler on a Saturday night than writing a blog entry about a dated, bland comic strip.  Sometimes I wish I wrote about a comic that didn’t have Sunday strips, like Gil Thorp, or to a lesser extent, Mark Trail.  Then I would get a day off.  I mean, I can take a day off if I very well freaking want to; it’s my blog, after all.  But enough rambling!  Let’s get down to business.

Hi and Lois, 3/22/09

3/22/09

What in the Nine Hells is going on here?!?  On the one hand, I’m glad Lois is wearing a color other than pink, and to see an actual freaking background for once.  But on the other hand — no, clutched in the other hand, dripping and oozing between the fingers, is a humorless, Oedipal nightmare.  Check out how Chip’s reflection materializes like a mist; perhaps he is some sort of spectral vampire, I don’t know; all I do know is that the relationship between Lois and her son has just made me extremely uncomfortable.  Regard that tartan-looking thing thrown casually over the back of the couch in Panel One.  Some might think it is an ugly plaid shirt; I, on the other hand, believe it strongly resembles a pleated schoolgirl skirt.  The plot, as they say, thickens.

Anyway.  Where is the joke here?  Freckles?  “You think so?”  What the fark kind of punchline is that?  In all my (admittedly sad) years of reading H&L, I have never understood The Females’ attraction to Son Chip.  His unkempt hair.  His band, “Noyz”, whose members look like they were assembled from random default Guitar Hero: World Tour characters.  I would not call him athletic, nor intelligent.  Nor would I call him witty.  A witty person would think of a witty response to “Or it could be the freckles”, something wittier than “You think so?”  Something about Lois’s own freckles not doing a thing for her own attractiveness or something, I don’t know, I’m tired and I’m aghast at this excuse for a comic.  This is taking up space on the so-called “Funny Pages” that might be used for an up-and-coming artist with a strip on the web that has nary a dozen readers but is genius, and thoughtful, and actually witty.  But no! We must endure Non-Jokes sprung every day from the fertile loins of Mort Walker & Sons every day for the rest of our lives, and so must our children, and their children, and so on until the sun explodes.

So is Lois throwing a Book Sale or what?  They can’t just set up these vital story elements and then not use them or say anything about them.  I am disappointed.  I was looking forward to Book Sale Antics.  Well, maybe tomorrow.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »

In like a lion, I guess…

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/21/09

3/21/09

Oh, dearie me.  Ignoring the most obvious comment here (The mens like the sports and the wimmins ceeeyyyan’t steeeand ’em! Comedy Gold!  Spousal Discord!  Impending Divorce If We’re Lucky But Mostly Likely Years Of Stifled Unhappiness!) , I’ve got to point out a few things: in Panel Uno, Thirsty is wearing either a flesh-colored glove or has party dots and a very badly done tribal tattoo.  Good try, Color Monkeys!  In Panel Dos, check out Hi’s squatty little arm — it’s hilarious.  And the more I look at it, the more horrified I become.  It may even be horrlarious.  At least Hi seems to be overcoming his disability and is now taking fashion tips from his son for the occasion.  Check out the March Madness Spread, by the way; there’s a flag in the mashed potatoes.  A white surrender flag.

I don’t really follow basketball… at all… nor do I follow any sport (I presume that neither marching band competitions nor dog shows count), so these Hee-larious Sports Comix are usually lost on me.  Le sigh.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, mutations, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | 4 Comments »

Trixie is the Lathe of Heaven

Posted by The Author on March 17, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/18/09

3/18/09

In order:

1) Using the power of physics and tiny bones.

2) Because of the atmosphere, I think, and because any other color would look stupid and unnatural.

3) The streets, to peddle their sweet, sweet drugs.

4) Because of their wicky-dickies.

And then in the final panel we are treated to a Totally What-The-Fark Transcendental Moment, in which no jokes are told; instead we are invited to imagine our brains as a tangled snarl of spaghetti being shaken out, bit by bit, until our minds leave the physical body completely and become one with the rest of the universe.  This is the Zenith of Terrifying Comix, folks, and the fact that it is being delivered by an infant makes me want to pack up and move to the mountains for the rest of my life.

Posted in drugs, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, horror, wtf | 3 Comments »

Blah.

Posted by The Author on March 16, 2009

The last few H&Ls have been terribly uninspiring.  Combine that with a busy weekend, and that equals an unmotivated KT.  Anyway, here’s last week’s travesties, just for the sake of completion.

Hi and Lois, 3/12/09

12

Gasp!  Regard the words on the blackboard and how they transmogrify before our very eyes, from DUE TODAY to the more sinister DIIE TOL.  Who is Tol?  Did the ghostly writer of this message ever go to school, considering they misspelled a three-letter word?  Don’t Walker, Walker and Browne know that most schools use markerboards now instead of blackboards?  Bad for kids’ allergies, you know.

Hi and Lois, 3/13/09

13

A-wiggada-whaaat?? 12 tiny seasons, rapidly cycling through warm and cold?  Sure, why not?  Anyway, when I saw this strip in the paper, I expected Dot’s shirt to be a sterotypical eyesore Hawaiin doo-dad.  Instead, it seems to be leftover from Halloween.  Oh, Color Monkeys!  You try so hard, and get so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. [/Linkin Park]

Hi and Lois, 3/14/09

14

Ahaha!  See?  Women worry about their age, and men are stupid!

“Thirsty” has a good point, though.  You rarely see older women with long hair.  I’m not sure why.  It may have something to do with the fact that shorter hair is spunky, easy to take care of, and is better for the more fragile hair of aging women.  Also: you ever see older women who do have long hair, and the ends are colored but the rest is gray?  I think that’s amazing!

Hi and Lois, 3/15/09

15

Our family just got new puppies.  As you may have already heard.  We supervise them loads more than the Flagstons seem to watch Trixie; like, literally their every waking minute.  And puppies are far more durable than babies, who have soft-spots and floppy limbs and wide, easily-punctured eyes.  I suspect one of two scenarios:

1) It’s been fifty-some years and Trixie hasn’t aged, thusly Mrs. Lois Flagston figures that there’s no point in caring anymore; the kid can probably take care of herself, even though she can’t speak or anything.  She’s smart enough to wriggle out of her high-chair and thought-bubble pathetic quips.

2) Everyone is drunk.

Hi and Lois, 3/16/09

16

Sure, today’s strip is lame with a capital L, but at least… we have… more google-eyes?  Seriously, what is the sudden fascination with wide-eyed horror?  I ask you.

Posted in "quotes", color monkeys, crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, half-assed, horror, mutations, skipped periods | 1 Comment »

Magical Transforming Pants

Posted by The Author on March 8, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/8/09

H&L, 3/8/09

1) This is pretty rare.  The two throw-away panels at the top, which don’t appear in some Sunday papers, contain a joke (well, “joke”), but the actual comic doesn’t.  So that means when I read this in the paper tomorrow, it will be merely a bleak reflection of the stereotypical Stay-At-Home Mom’s predicament: I have too many kids; I hate them all; and I can do nothing but wear an apron for no reason (which will later disappear), stand in my filthy kitchen, and stare with my heroin-addled pupils.

2) Actually, half the characters in this strip have weird googly-eyes.  What’s up with that? I really do suspect that Lois in on some sort of drug, considering her skirt morphs into a pair of pants in three panels.

3) Hi is a real jerk, staying for the joke but then leaving for the rest of the comic.  Take responsibility for the fruits of your marriage!  Asshole.

4) I can understand The Cabin Fever.  I have it myself right now, this being the longest winter I have ever experienced, with more snow expected overnight.  Other than that, this comic has no point.  “We thought you ran away from home”? Kids, couldn’t you see your mom from the window?  Standing in a snow drift?  Her crazy, fearful eyes?  That is the look of a mother who will be soon drowning her kids in the bath and saying God told her to do it.

5) Trixie’s “WA!” has always bothered me.  How does one pronounce that, exactly?  Wah?  Way?  Double-you ay?

Posted in crossed arms, drugs, google-eyes, horror, mutations | 2 Comments »