High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘half-assed’ Category

I guess they had an early tee-time that day.

Posted by The Author on May 27, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/27/09


Oh, man.  Two panels, no jokes.

Now, personally, I love worms.  Yes, really.  I think they’re cute.  Perhaps it’s the fact that they’re tiny and have no terrifying legs or eyes to contend with.  And they eat rubbish and poop out dirt.  Cute!  So Trixie’s intentional damnation of said worms is a little disheartening.  Yes, yes, circle of life and food chain and all that jazz; birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, blah blee blah.  I’m all for that.  I love birds, too.  However, I don’t go around tossing baby rabbits to the hawks.

Also, what kind of effed-up soil do the Flagstons have if worms are just wriggling on the surface?  That is not so cute.


Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, from the mouths of babes, half-assed, horror | 1 Comment »

In which I mostly talk about tarty clothing stores.

Posted by The Author on May 26, 2009

Blingity-bloink.  What a day.  I don’t know if I’m up for it.

Hi and Lois, 5/25/09


Ah, Memorial Day.  Usually the comics page commemorates every holiday, major or not (even Administrative Professionals Day, I seem to remember!), but to my surprise, approximately zero strips in my local paper mentioned Our Troops And Such.  Not even Doonsbury, which is usually a source for veterans-related attention.  No one in the Sunday paper, either, except for… well, Doonsbury.  Is the comics page of my paper organized by communists?!

But this isn’t about other comics, it’s about H&L.  And all I have to say about Monday’s comic is this: AAAAHHHHHH WHAAAAATTTT I DON’T LIKE THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON GET IT AWAY FROM ME I FRIGGIN’ HATE THESE KIDS

Hi and Lois, 5/26/09


And then, today.  Our pals, Abercrombie & Fitch.  Yes, those are the names of the garbagemen.  I suspect that Mort Walker named the dudes back in, well, the fifties or sixties.  You know, back when it was a sporting goods and hunting equipment store, and not a young person’s apparel chain infamous for sexed-up beef- and cheese-cakes who play football and stand around smoldering enigmatically and don’t know how to wear sweaters correctly.  The founders are probably spinning in their graves.

But enough about that.  What the hell is going in this comic?  Why can’t Hi scale back to getting his garbage picked up twice a month?  Because he’s now on a personal level with his rubbish carriers which only complicates the professional business relationship.  I don’t know.  Do they really get their garbage picked up that early in the morning?  Our truck comes around at, like, four in the morning.

Augh!  Fitch’s (or Abercrombie’s) corncob pipe suddenly appears in Panel Two!  Who draws this?!  Did they go to school!?  I am frustrated!!!

Tomorrow I will be funny.  In the meantime, regard the best thing in the world that is Abercrombie & Fitch-related.

Posted in half-assed, munny, wtf | 3 Comments »

Doesn’t America NEED to go on a diet, though? *rimshot*

Posted by The Author on May 18, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/18/09


Ha ha ha, that’s so not funny and true because of the state of the economy today, and there is a metaphor for fatness and chronic dieting, blah blah blah et cetera whatever.  With that out of the way, I’ll have you know that I’m not really paying attention to the content of this comic as much as I am the comic itself, if you get my drift.  You don’t?  Well… look at them.  Hideous.  Their hands seem to have been sucked up by their armpits.  Hi’s foot is twice as big as his head.  And, fer reals, who has a den laid out like this, with the couch placed at an angle in front of the window, and a flat screen TV in the dead center of the room?  And black carpeting?  What were they thinking?

Okay, I will briefly discuss the content.  Briefly.  We all know that comics are written approximately five thousand years before they are published, so often by the time they get to the paper they could be dealing with old or outdated news.  Here we have that very case: gas prices in the last two weeks have jumped back up to two-fifty-ish in my neck of the woods.  That could be a sign that Americans are now consuming more fuel, I guess, but after some in-depth research (sort of) I was unable to find any data on current national fuel consumption.  I was hoping for a graph or something.  I really enjoy graphs.*

But anyhoozle.  The point is that today’s comic is fantastically lazy.  And so am I.  So I am now done.

*I tried very hard to find the clip from How I Met Your Mother in which Marshall shows a pie chart of his favorite bars followed by a bar graph of his favorite pies.  I thought that would be somewhat relevant.  Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.  So I’ll have to leave you with this.

Posted in crossed arms, half-assed, munny | Leave a Comment »

That’s good enough for me.

Posted by The Author on May 14, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/14/09


I call no way.  There’s not a chance in Heck that Lois the health-food shilling nutcase would have that many different varities of demon sweets in her house.  Actually, some of them look more like stacks of CDs, but that’s not the point!  Did Ditto knock over some poor little Girl Scout to procure this bounty of cookies?  I shudder to think.  At any rate, I think Lois’s reaction should be less “looking on with an oh-you-kids expression” and more “wide-eyed gaping-mouthed horror followed by subsequent table-diving”, taking into account her past measures to secure her children’s health.

A few more items of note:

  • Another case of Mutating Background Affliction.  Between panel one and two the cupboards shift, Ditto’s chair changes color, and the pictures on the fridge turn from delightful family snapshots and cut-out comic strips to what appears to be either the flag of some foreign country or the moon seen through a window.  Huh.  Is it that difficult to draw the same thing twice?  Even better, do you, Mr. or Ms. Artist, need to constantly put yourself in a position where you are required to render a scene from the same angle?  Why not switch viewpoints?  Just a little forty-five degree shift, that’s all.  You’re not taking advantage of the medium is all I’m saying.  But all that is serious critique, not blatant making-fun-of, which is what the people have come for.  And this bullet-list item has become very long indeed.
  • Ditto.  Sweetheart.  You know nothing of gourmet, which probably shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve been eight years old for the past half-century.  It’s not ice cream that cleanses the palate, it’s sorbet.  All you want is an excuse to gorge yourself on biscuits.
  • That was pretty much all I had.  I’m done now.
  • Oh, wait, just kidding!  Also, Lois’s neckerscarf is hideous.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Aren’t ALL dinosaurs prehistoric?

Posted by The Author on May 7, 2009

I’ve got to wake up at approximately four AM tomorrow morning, so this will be short.  Hey, I’m not complaining; at least I have a job.  I just wish the hours were more consistent.  Ah, l’amour! Or something like that.  Angst.  Whatever.

Hi and Lois, 5/7/09


I don’t know if we’ve ever heard Dawg speak in this strip.  At least not in recent memory.  He’s not really known for his snarky thoughts, unlike other humanistic animals like Garfield and Buckles.  Though Buckles doesn’t speak through thought-bubbles, unlike most other comic animals.  And his owners don’t seem to be concerned by his sentience.  I have always wondered about this.*

ANYway… Chip found a fossil in the sandbox.  No, he didn’t.  Everybody knows that, except for Ditto and his idiot friend.  Who is that kid?  I’ve never seen him before.  His greasy black bangs bring to mind a sort of pint-sized Willard.  Maybe he is the brother of Chip’s Portly Friend** standing slightly out of frame, a giant piece of popcorn attacking his head. One thing is for certain: tomorrow’s comic has got to be better than this one, or I’m going to put my head through a window.  A closed window.

*I just got sidetracked for a whole five minutes reading the bio of the Buckles creator.  He seems like a good guy!

**I’ve tried looking up his name, to no avail.  But I did learn that the garbage collectors are named Abercrombie and Fitch.  Um.  Which one is which, I wonder?

Posted in half-assed, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »

“Tree at my window, window tree”… wait, where’d it go?

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

I wasn’t going to do two comics this evening… er, I mean, this morning!  Right.  I wasn’t going to do two, considering that I am tired and cranky and want to push someone off a cliff.  But out of the goodness of my heart, I said to myself: “Self, you should see what today’s H&L is and then make the decision on comix-related frivolity this evening this morning.”  So, I did!

Hi and Lois, 5/6/09


Ugh.  Two panels, no jokes.

Well… maybe I’m being too harsh.  I guess on the one hand, comics don’t always have to be telling jokes.  Take for example 9 Chickweed Lane.  Sometimes Brooke McEldowney* doesn’t even advance the plot.  Just pretty pictures, showing off the fact that he can draw like a mo-fo.  On the other hand… Chance Browne (or whoever is tracing the templates these days) cannot draw like a mo-fo.  He is a mo-fo; apologies, sir.  But look at that bird.  It resembles a triangle stuck on an over-sized ant.  Those mashed-potato lumps are a sorry excuse for bushes.  And Trixie’s triad of hair-curls drives a spike into my heart every day.

Actually, the art in today’s H&L isn’t all that terrible (considering what we normally see), it’s just a bit “blah”, you know?  I feel like I’ve seen it all before.  In fact…

Hi and Lois, 4/22/09


…it seems that people just can’t get enough of babies leanin’ out windows!  These two comics are virtually identical, except that the first and second panels are swapped.  What happened to the tree in the front yard in the last two weeks?  Once Earth Day was over, did the Flagstons just chop it down and use the wood extend their ranch-style fence around the entire yard?  Did they want a better view of “Thirsty” Thurston’s overgrown, tire-speckled garden?  I have so many questions.

So.  Maybe we’ll just have to deal with the fact that Walker Conglomerate will treat us to some poetry every fortnight.  The image of birds slumbering upon lumps of cotton-candy clouds is kind of lovely, but my original opinion still stands.  This comic eats.

*Admit it.  You thought he was a girl, too.

Posted in "quotes", from the mouths of babes, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Tuesday? More like TWOsday!

Posted by The Author on April 28, 2009

Hoo-dee-doo.  According to my stats I got a (baffling) thirty-seven hits per day for the last two days of my absence.  Lack of H&L makes people visit more?  It is a mystery.


Hi and Lois, 4/28/09


This car salesman looks familiar… at least, in the second panel he does.  Apparently the sanguine movie theater employee from last month quit his job at the Megat 8 Cinemas and took up dealing cars.  A little less hair, yes, but it’s definitely him.  Anyhoozle.  I didn’t think Hi’s kids were still of the age that they needed constant distraction in the car, lest they tear each other to bits arguing over who crossed the Invisible Line dividing the backseat.

The car doesn’t strike me as something Hi would drive.  It’s too Lincoln-y.  Like something my grandfather would own, in white no less.  Also, he shouldn’t go around with a blank license plate like that.

Hmm… I think, arguably, this could be categorized as a 2 Panels 1 Joke.  I mean, take away the first frame and the salesman’s happy-face, make CARS more prominent, and you’ve got a single-paneler similar to The Flying McCoys*.  YannowhutImean?

Hi and Lois, 4/20/09


What’s this?? A comic from forever-ago?  Yes.  There are a few H&Ls from the last few weeks that are too strange not to make some sort of comment.

The Nostalgia Channel.  Is there such a channel?  Technically yes: but in the past.  It’s now called the AmericanLife TV Network and it reruns television series from the 50s and 60s.  Owned by the Unification Church.  Consistent money-loser.  I bet you did not know these things.  So, are they watching television in the past, then, or is Hi just experiencing early on-set Alzheimer’s?  That would be sad.

Hi needn’t explain what they’re watching.  Lois should be able to figure it out on her own.  And if I were here, my response wouldn’t be a cheery “So, what do you think?”, it would be “Why on earth would you do such a thing when we have a perfectly good Xbox** sitting three feet away?”  Ditto is obviously not enjoying it, as he has already degenerated into scrawling the names of these shows on the walls.  There is no escape, is there?  A heavy storm cloud hangs over Hi’s head at his son’s insipid comment.  “People arent [sic] as funny in black-and-white.”  Ever seen Buster Keaton?  Young FrankensteinDuck SoupTop Hat? The Women (the old one, not the terrible new one)?  You ignoramous!

Since I am now a nine-to-fiver (or more accurately, a seven-to-twoer; or a whenever-I-am-scheduleder), I can’t stay up ’til Hey-Ho PM and write about the next day’s comic.  I guess I could just do it in the morning, but that means I would have to wake up even earlier and I would not be as funny.  Those entries would read something close to “WHAT WHAT THIS MAKES NO SENSE I EFFING HATE THIS COMIXXZGHZBSVVA” and we don’t want that, now, do we?

*I apologize, Glenn and Gary McCoy.  You are much, much funnier than these hacks.  I wish I could find a .jpg of your “scooter” comic that made me el-oh-el.  Oh, gosh, I’d describe it, but it would be better if you just saw it.

**Fer reals, I do own an Xbox, but I mostly use it for playing Rock Band.  I like to play!

Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, half-assed, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, wtf | Leave a Comment »

Probably I don’t talk much about the comic in this post. We’ll see.

Posted by The Author on April 15, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/16/09


(long, exasperated sigh)  Do the Common People really find the Iconic* Smart-Talking Precocious Baby that funny?  Because it seems like the theme comes up very often in the American funny pages.  Take, for example, Marvin.  I despise that comic with every fiber of my being, perhaps even more than Mallard Fillmore (and I would rather have my gums scraped than have MF run in our newspaper again, so you might be able to gauge exactly how out-of-proportion I can be with my feelings towards some legacy comics).  Why?  I dunno, really — I guess I just don’t appreciate infantile humor (infantile here referring to literal babies: babies freak me out, yo) like some people do?  Totally unrelated topic: have you seen the previews for that movie with Seth… er, Rogen, called… um… Security… no, damn it, I have to look it up.  (Hum-didda-hee-hee…hoo-ah-hoo-ah…)  Observe and Report!  That’s what it is called.  Anyway, its humor may be less sophomoric than the usual Seth Rogen fare**, but the previews completely turned me off.  They claim to have “shocking” content.  Count me out!

What was my point?  Oh, right!  I don’t like stupid humor, unless it’s smart stupid humor.  I can’t explain it.  I’m tired.

Back to the comic.

1) Why did Lois want to show Hi some of the hideous crayon scrawls on the wall?  As proof?  She sure as heckfire doesn’t seem proud of her daughter’s creativity, with that sour expression on her face.  So: beats me.

2) It’s night outside, as one can plainly tell from the crescent moon hanging low in the sky.  Does Hi get home from the office at 10pm?  And does their community get an evening paper, or is that today’s news under his arm and he’s just really behind on current events?  Probably the real answer is more boring than any of my speculations: the artist probably did not want to draw a background, so slapped in an inky-black night and went to lunch.

Hmm.  I thought the post for this one would be pretty short, considering how dull the strip is today (today?), but apparently I can ramble quite a bit about random crap!  Well done, KT.  Have a cigar.***

*It took me forever to remember the word “iconic”.  Don’t you hate when that happens?

**Disclaimer: I have not seen a single movie with Seth Rogen in it except for Kung Fu Panda, but that doesn’t really count, does it?  So there may be some superdy-duper funny bits in his movies, but I would not know, because I refuse to see them.  Also, Judd Apatow: what the hell?

***not really

Posted in from the mouths of babes, half-assed, wtf | 1 Comment »

Some post-Easter frivolities

Posted by The Author on April 14, 2009

Well, I suppose I can’t put this off any longer, or else the comics will just keep on buildin’ up and buildin’ up and soon I’ll be even more miserable.  So forgive me if I’m a little short in this post; I’m just not feelin’ it today.  Also, I’ve been droppin’ my g’s, a sure sign that I am beginning to lose it.  Er, excuse me, I mean beginnin’.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/09


Of course there’s enough for her: they’re eating invisible food.  Unless they plan on sharing that green cartoon duck’s foot in the center of the table.  Seriously, Chance Brown, would it have taken you more than five minutes to plop a few steaks on those plates?  Or even the ol’ generic Food Lumps?  Please.

Hmm.  What could Mrs. Thurston (I know she has a first name… Irma?  I’m not going to look it up) have been making so close to dinner that required a cup of sugar?  A friggin’ dinner-cake?  Unless she sent Mr. T off earlier that afternoon and just now realized that he hadn’t returned.

Hi and Lois, 4/12/09


Ignoring the lameness of the jokes in this “comic”, who the heck gives a very breakable egg to an infant?  She’s going to stuff the whole thing in her mouth and choke on that bitch.  Ah, well.  So, are they coloring eggs on Easter morning?  I suppose so, since Ditto is flaunting his chocolate booty.  My family goes to church at seven forty-five on Easter morning.  We don’t got no time to sit around and color eggs.  Actually, that’s why Easter is probably my least favorite holiday: because I have to wake up early.  Anyway.  Screw all y’all.

Hi and Lois, 4/13/09


I read Monday’s strip in the paper on Monday morning, not the night before on the Internet like I usually do.  So when I read this strip, I immediately thought: “Rating the holidays by the quantity of candy?!?  With that logic, the order of holidays should be Christmas, then Easter, then Halloween, because, honestly, Christmas is gift-centric, not candy-centric.  Another flawed rating system!  If only I could tell everyone how irked I am at this comic strip!”  Then I remembered that I write a blog about this comic strip.  Luckily.

Hi and Lois, 4/14/09


Aaaahhhh, finally, Tax Comix!  And the day before our taxes are due!  H&L, you have surprised me!

Er, are doing one’s taxes really that, ahem, taxing nowadays?  Now that we have our fancy-schmancy computer programs and so forth.  I mean, it’s really not that difficult: enter your W2s, 1099s if you have them (I do, sometimes), enter your deductions… bam.  You’re done.  Maybe it’s just me, but it’s not like the friggin’ Apocalypse or something. It doesn’t make me dream up fakey prescription medications that no doubt have a laundry list of side-effects.  Tax Lax, indeed.  What is this sudden fascination with prescription medications?  It may be that the writers are old.


I’ve got House Hunters on in the background while I write this (shut up, it’s either that or Generic “An Animal Is Eating Me” Show), and one of the homebuyers has the same name as I do.  And the realtor keeps saying her name; like, sandwiching sentences with it.  “KT, how do you like this room, KT?”  It’s very distracting.  I’m always suspicious of people who use people’s names too often.  I know they do it to seem more friendly and personable.  It doesn’t work on me.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, half-assed, munny, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

In France it’s called The April Fish! I bet you did not know that.

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

A special three-panel H&L for today!

Hi and Lois, 4/1/09


Oh, April Fool’s Day. I always forget you are coming, and then I am confused at the haps* of the day, when everything is different.  I do not find you particularly amusing or mirthful, though others may. I guess I’ll have a lot to look forward to in the comics page tomorrow.  I guess.  Remember that year when a bunch of the comics swapped strips with each other?  I do.  Am I old?  Perhaps.

Anyhoozle.  If Chip didn’t do all that good-natured, honest work, why is there a giant sweatdrop coming off his forehead?  Nervousness about being caught in his lame-o lie?  Or maybe it is a tear over his sudden case of baldness in panel two.  Also!  Who’s stealing my catchphrases, huh?  They even spelled it wrong!  It’s “fer reals“, guys.  If you’re going to use hip slang, do the proper research and consult me first.

Check out Lois’s beady button eyes in panel one.  Her real April Fool’s Day trick is that she’s been replaced by a cyborg.  Or a clone, or a body-snatching alien; whatever your sci-fi flavor may be.  The point is that it’s freaking me out.  How far out am I freaking?  All the way.  I mean, look at her mechanical laugh in panel three.  That laugh belongeth not to a human.


Posted in color monkeys, half-assed, horror, pop culture | 2 Comments »