High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘from the mouths of babes’ Category

I guess they had an early tee-time that day.

Posted by The Author on May 27, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/27/09

5/27/09

Oh, man.  Two panels, no jokes.

Now, personally, I love worms.  Yes, really.  I think they’re cute.  Perhaps it’s the fact that they’re tiny and have no terrifying legs or eyes to contend with.  And they eat rubbish and poop out dirt.  Cute!  So Trixie’s intentional damnation of said worms is a little disheartening.  Yes, yes, circle of life and food chain and all that jazz; birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, blah blee blah.  I’m all for that.  I love birds, too.  However, I don’t go around tossing baby rabbits to the hawks.

Also, what kind of effed-up soil do the Flagstons have if worms are just wriggling on the surface?  That is not so cute.

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Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, from the mouths of babes, half-assed, horror | 1 Comment »

H&L 2: Electric Boogaloo

Posted by The Author on May 21, 2009

I was totes going to make an entry this morning, but more pressing issues were at hand.  Then I was going to make a post this afternoon, but then I realized: hey!  It’s my blog and I can slack if I want to!  So here we are.  Comix.

But first!  I am sorry to report that I had a dream about Hi and Lois.  Yes, really.  An ethnic person — no an ethnic family appeared in the comic, and I actually lived in the world of the comic (though no one looked comic-y) and I was just trying and trying to get a good a picture to post on the blog, because this was just so amazing: an entire ethnic family in H&L.  You know that persons of color are pretty rare in this particular strip.

Anyway, today I have Two Strange Comix for you.  Neither of them have any ethnicity in them.

Hi and Lois, 5/21/09

5/21/09

What does Hi Flagton do for a living?  He works in an office and carries a briefcase, so he must be an accountant, or a paralegal, or in sales, or a banker, or some such Generic Businessman.  A business is being run.  By whom, and what for, is anyone’s guess.

Unless this “trip” of which the family speaks isn’t a business trip at all, but instead, say, a hospitalization of some sort.  “Yes, Dad will be back soon, children.  Very soon.”

What does that “W” on Dot’s sweater stand for?  Wellesley?  Wanker?  And Ditto wants to take his lunch to school in an air sickness bag… so that people will think he eats vomit?

Hi and Lois, 5/22/09

5/22/09

Holy sheet, this comic is terrifying.  Mostly because of the imagery.  Have you ever seen a break-dancing baby?  God, I hope not, and if you did, said baby was probably having a seizure and I hope everything ended well for you.  What are the Kids doing with a giant 80s-style boombox in the middle of their living room, I wonder?  Invoking the spirit of the Fresh Prince?  I guess that would be kind of close to ethnicity.  I’m obsessed with ethnicity!

You know, this joke has already been told in the comics pages — over twenty-four years ago.

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Not going to make a Baha Men joke.

Posted by The Author on May 17, 2009

Sunday!  Sunday!  Sunday!  Though it really doesn’t feel like a real Sunday, considering it’s mid-May and we’ve barely broken forty-eight degrees F today.  I am sick of this crappy weather.  Summer just doesn’t want to come, does it?

But forget about that crap!  Comix are on the horizon, and we have two special appearances in today’s post, one from H&L‘s sister comic, Beetle Bailey!  The other — well, hold onto your hats, because we’re about to see the very first Kind Of Actual Representation of an Ethnic Entity in the history of High on ‘Lois’.  Brace yourselves!!

Hi and Lois, 5/17/09

5/17/09

You may be asking, “Slag, where is this black-or-Asian-or-miscellaneous ethnic person?  Well, it’s not a person, actually, and I didn’t even notice it myself until I read the dead-tree version of the comic this morning, and it’s really not that exciting, so, sorry.  In the first panel of the last row, in the Hunting Dogs balloon, one can just see what appears to be a brown pooch wearing a West African dashiki and pointing out the harmless little lion to the Ruthless European Big Game Hunter.  You know, the standard native guide in the jungle/savanna/everglades/mountains/thicket kind of guy.  Not the most appropriate, I know, but then again I’m not too keen on the pink, be-Afroed poodle in the dead center of the comic.  There are male poodles as well, guys…

But anyway.  I’m pretty big on dog show competitions, so my first though when reading this comic was that they forgot the Hound Group.  I guess there’s no clever way for Trixie to misinterpret “hound” unless they show stalker-dogs or something.  And as an owner of teeny tiny Terriers, I must protest, sir, at the depiction of Toy Dogs as portly, incessantly barking Golden Retrievers in top hats.  Our dogs rarely bark, and even more rarely yip.  No, really!

Whew.  I said there was going to be some BB action in this post, didn’t I?  I did!

Beetle Bailey, 5/17/09

BB, 5/17/09

I didn’t see this until this morning, and then it was without the throwaway panels at the top.  Imagine reading this comic without the top row, and imagine my confusion at seeing Killer (if that is his real name) sitting with a doll-like beady-eyed chick in a cocktail dress and heels.  Imagine walking in those heels through the grass.  You’d puncture the ground with every step.  The fact that they just came from a movie clarifies this a bit, I guess, but it still doesn’t explain why every other woman in the vicinity is wearing the same exact get-up.  Maybe they’re coming from a convention or something.  A convention for attractive women with unfortunately deformed mouths that constantly hang open like a baby bird’s.  Seriously, what is wrong with them?

And even more confusedly, if Killah and Chicklady have just come from a movie, they must have gone to the Extra-Super-Early Matinee, because it’s still blinding daylight outside.  Not quite grounds for eveningwear in my book, but hey, to each their own.

And, of course, the most confusing thing of all is that Killer’s hat wriggles when he’s horny.  There is no reason for this to happen.  It makes me hate him.  “Kiss me, Killer.”  “Sure!”  What a loser.

Posted in ethnicity, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, other comix, wtf | 1 Comment »

It’s funny because you’re destitute.

Posted by The Author on May 12, 2009

My computer is acting hella slow.  Hopefully I’ll be able to write this post before the Internet cuts out.  So, without further ado, we shall sally forth.*

Hi and Lois, 5/11/09

5/11/09

I can’t say much about yesterday’s comic that Josh hasn’t already mentioned, except this: is Hi drinking straight out of a coffee can?  Did he just forget to brew the coffee first and is struggling to swallow pure grounds?  “This tastes pretty odd this morning, honey.”  “Never mind that — they say this 14-year-old sold a million records and just bought a house in the Hamptons!”  “And what makes you think I care about that s**t?”

Hi and Lois, 5/12/09

Photobucket

Now, I don’t work in real estate (obviously), but shouldn’t the correct verbage be “I rented out a condo today”?  The way it is now, it sounds like Lois rented the condo for her own family, and we know that’s not true because the Flagston clan certainly isn’t rolling in the dough.  The dollar menu?!?  Why, just the other day y’all were going out for an extravagant Mother’s Day breakfast.  Maybe you should take out the family, Hi.  You hideous thing, you.

I know it makes me a bad person, but I kind of like seeing the kids’ despondent looks at being told that they are too poor to go somewhere fancier than a Mickey D’s.

*And I’m not talking about the comic strip.  Ahaha!

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“Tree at my window, window tree”… wait, where’d it go?

Posted by The Author on May 5, 2009

I wasn’t going to do two comics this evening… er, I mean, this morning!  Right.  I wasn’t going to do two, considering that I am tired and cranky and want to push someone off a cliff.  But out of the goodness of my heart, I said to myself: “Self, you should see what today’s H&L is and then make the decision on comix-related frivolity this evening this morning.”  So, I did!

Hi and Lois, 5/6/09

5/6/09

Ugh.  Two panels, no jokes.

Well… maybe I’m being too harsh.  I guess on the one hand, comics don’t always have to be telling jokes.  Take for example 9 Chickweed Lane.  Sometimes Brooke McEldowney* doesn’t even advance the plot.  Just pretty pictures, showing off the fact that he can draw like a mo-fo.  On the other hand… Chance Browne (or whoever is tracing the templates these days) cannot draw like a mo-fo.  He is a mo-fo; apologies, sir.  But look at that bird.  It resembles a triangle stuck on an over-sized ant.  Those mashed-potato lumps are a sorry excuse for bushes.  And Trixie’s triad of hair-curls drives a spike into my heart every day.

Actually, the art in today’s H&L isn’t all that terrible (considering what we normally see), it’s just a bit “blah”, you know?  I feel like I’ve seen it all before.  In fact…

Hi and Lois, 4/22/09

4/22/09

…it seems that people just can’t get enough of babies leanin’ out windows!  These two comics are virtually identical, except that the first and second panels are swapped.  What happened to the tree in the front yard in the last two weeks?  Once Earth Day was over, did the Flagstons just chop it down and use the wood extend their ranch-style fence around the entire yard?  Did they want a better view of “Thirsty” Thurston’s overgrown, tire-speckled garden?  I have so many questions.

So.  Maybe we’ll just have to deal with the fact that Walker Conglomerate will treat us to some poetry every fortnight.  The image of birds slumbering upon lumps of cotton-candy clouds is kind of lovely, but my original opinion still stands.  This comic eats.

*Admit it.  You thought he was a girl, too.

Posted in "quotes", from the mouths of babes, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

This barely qualifies as Monday.

Posted by The Author on May 4, 2009

Back from my mini-vaycay.  I have returned to the working world.  Huzzah.

Hi and Lois, 5/2/09

5/2/09

At first I thought this was the not-very-frequently reoccurring H&L character Mr. Waverly, minus his trademark wrinkly fisherman’s hat.*  He usually appears to talk about things like veterans, and The Good Old Days.  This would certainly be a new deal for him, erecting a wall between him and the cruel world outside.  But, look!  This fellow’s fears are not unfounded, considering the inky-black sky in the middle of the day.  Nuclear winter, perhaps?  Well, if that were the case, I’d be less worried about putting up a fence and more concerned with, like, being melted and stuff.

Hi and Lois, 5/3/09

5/3/09

More baseball!  That does it: I’m adding a “baseball” tag.  (I know, right?!)  It comes up more frequently than golf.  Also, “adorable baby antics”, or something.  They are too frequent to ignore.  Can anyone actually hear what Trixie is saying… er, thinking?  Can Dawg hear her?  Can he read the thoughts of the young and innocent? If he can, he’s probably sighing and rolling his eyes along with the rest of us.

So, Ditto to set up those cardboard figures of baseball players in the yard so that he can berate his wise-cracking sister?  I approve!

Hi and Lois, 5/4/09

5/4/09

Yeah, you big tub-o.  If you eat another Cheeto, your pencily neck might not threaten to snap in half.  Best hand the key to your husband, who is surely responsible enough not to gorge his blue-sweatered-self on delicious trans fats and high fructose corn syrups** and partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and… excuse me, I’m craving some Oreos now.

Go U Conn!

*The fact that I know minute details about this character without actually looking it up makes me very sad.

**Don’t you know what they say about it?  Oh, no worries, it’s natural.  Just like the bubonic plague.  And fire ants!

Posted in baseball, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, horror | Leave a Comment »

Probably I don’t talk much about the comic in this post. We’ll see.

Posted by The Author on April 15, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/16/09

4/16/09

(long, exasperated sigh)  Do the Common People really find the Iconic* Smart-Talking Precocious Baby that funny?  Because it seems like the theme comes up very often in the American funny pages.  Take, for example, Marvin.  I despise that comic with every fiber of my being, perhaps even more than Mallard Fillmore (and I would rather have my gums scraped than have MF run in our newspaper again, so you might be able to gauge exactly how out-of-proportion I can be with my feelings towards some legacy comics).  Why?  I dunno, really — I guess I just don’t appreciate infantile humor (infantile here referring to literal babies: babies freak me out, yo) like some people do?  Totally unrelated topic: have you seen the previews for that movie with Seth… er, Rogen, called… um… Security… no, damn it, I have to look it up.  (Hum-didda-hee-hee…hoo-ah-hoo-ah…)  Observe and Report!  That’s what it is called.  Anyway, its humor may be less sophomoric than the usual Seth Rogen fare**, but the previews completely turned me off.  They claim to have “shocking” content.  Count me out!

What was my point?  Oh, right!  I don’t like stupid humor, unless it’s smart stupid humor.  I can’t explain it.  I’m tired.

Back to the comic.

1) Why did Lois want to show Hi some of the hideous crayon scrawls on the wall?  As proof?  She sure as heckfire doesn’t seem proud of her daughter’s creativity, with that sour expression on her face.  So: beats me.

2) It’s night outside, as one can plainly tell from the crescent moon hanging low in the sky.  Does Hi get home from the office at 10pm?  And does their community get an evening paper, or is that today’s news under his arm and he’s just really behind on current events?  Probably the real answer is more boring than any of my speculations: the artist probably did not want to draw a background, so slapped in an inky-black night and went to lunch.

Hmm.  I thought the post for this one would be pretty short, considering how dull the strip is today (today?), but apparently I can ramble quite a bit about random crap!  Well done, KT.  Have a cigar.***

*It took me forever to remember the word “iconic”.  Don’t you hate when that happens?

**Disclaimer: I have not seen a single movie with Seth Rogen in it except for Kung Fu Panda, but that doesn’t really count, does it?  So there may be some superdy-duper funny bits in his movies, but I would not know, because I refuse to see them.  Also, Judd Apatow: what the hell?

***not really

Posted in from the mouths of babes, half-assed, wtf | 1 Comment »

Some post-Easter frivolities

Posted by The Author on April 14, 2009

Well, I suppose I can’t put this off any longer, or else the comics will just keep on buildin’ up and buildin’ up and soon I’ll be even more miserable.  So forgive me if I’m a little short in this post; I’m just not feelin’ it today.  Also, I’ve been droppin’ my g’s, a sure sign that I am beginning to lose it.  Er, excuse me, I mean beginnin’.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/09

4/11/09

Of course there’s enough for her: they’re eating invisible food.  Unless they plan on sharing that green cartoon duck’s foot in the center of the table.  Seriously, Chance Brown, would it have taken you more than five minutes to plop a few steaks on those plates?  Or even the ol’ generic Food Lumps?  Please.

Hmm.  What could Mrs. Thurston (I know she has a first name… Irma?  I’m not going to look it up) have been making so close to dinner that required a cup of sugar?  A friggin’ dinner-cake?  Unless she sent Mr. T off earlier that afternoon and just now realized that he hadn’t returned.

Hi and Lois, 4/12/09

4/12/09

Ignoring the lameness of the jokes in this “comic”, who the heck gives a very breakable egg to an infant?  She’s going to stuff the whole thing in her mouth and choke on that bitch.  Ah, well.  So, are they coloring eggs on Easter morning?  I suppose so, since Ditto is flaunting his chocolate booty.  My family goes to church at seven forty-five on Easter morning.  We don’t got no time to sit around and color eggs.  Actually, that’s why Easter is probably my least favorite holiday: because I have to wake up early.  Anyway.  Screw all y’all.

Hi and Lois, 4/13/09

4/13/09

I read Monday’s strip in the paper on Monday morning, not the night before on the Internet like I usually do.  So when I read this strip, I immediately thought: “Rating the holidays by the quantity of candy?!?  With that logic, the order of holidays should be Christmas, then Easter, then Halloween, because, honestly, Christmas is gift-centric, not candy-centric.  Another flawed rating system!  If only I could tell everyone how irked I am at this comic strip!”  Then I remembered that I write a blog about this comic strip.  Luckily.

Hi and Lois, 4/14/09

4/14/09

Aaaahhhh, finally, Tax Comix!  And the day before our taxes are due!  H&L, you have surprised me!

Er, are doing one’s taxes really that, ahem, taxing nowadays?  Now that we have our fancy-schmancy computer programs and so forth.  I mean, it’s really not that difficult: enter your W2s, 1099s if you have them (I do, sometimes), enter your deductions… bam.  You’re done.  Maybe it’s just me, but it’s not like the friggin’ Apocalypse or something. It doesn’t make me dream up fakey prescription medications that no doubt have a laundry list of side-effects.  Tax Lax, indeed.  What is this sudden fascination with prescription medications?  It may be that the writers are old.

Anyhoozle.

I’ve got House Hunters on in the background while I write this (shut up, it’s either that or Generic “An Animal Is Eating Me” Show), and one of the homebuyers has the same name as I do.  And the realtor keeps saying her name; like, sandwiching sentences with it.  “KT, how do you like this room, KT?”  It’s very distracting.  I’m always suspicious of people who use people’s names too often.  I know they do it to seem more friendly and personable.  It doesn’t work on me.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, half-assed, munny, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

Observations on several subjects

Posted by The Author on April 8, 2009

Before we begin this post: a note!  Because blogs such as Date Wrecks and You Suck at Craigslist have inspired me so greatly, I’ve started a new blog, one I can update sporadically and save my sanity from the horror-trap of H&L.  For now it is called Missed Connections, but hopefully I’ll think of a more snarky title later on.  The first few entries are neither too lulsy nor horrifying; hopefully I’ll find something good.

Tell your friends, tell your coworkers; climb onto rooftops and litter the streets with fliers.  Whatever it takes.

Now: comix!

Hi and Lois, 4/8/09

4/9/09

Zzzzzz….*snrk* Wha-happa?! A badly drawn comic with badly executed jokes?!? Yes. Is Chip holding a glass in his deformed hand, or is that part of the design on his shirt? I do not know. Everyone looks like they were drawn by someone else, someone who normally illustrates IKEA directions or something.

You’d assume that this was just a cute-kid-thinks-cute-thoughts comic, wouldn’t you? Take a gander out the window. Do you see anything outside? It appears that the house is buried in fifteen feet of snow… or, (and my mind tends to drift in the sinister direction, in case you haven’t noticed) Trixie is actually watching a nuclear blast; soon the paint on the walls with turn to smoke and the roof will be ripped from its moors. Actually, poor Trixie has probably already been blinded. Dawg is a bit smarter; he’s already ducked-and-covered.

Did you ever see Duck and Cover? Not the Mallard Filmore blog, the terrifying 50s-era filmstrip for school-age children. It’s amazing.

Hi and Lois, 4/9/09

4/9/09

The way Lois is drawn in this strip… it just makes me feel sorry for her.  Look at her itty-bitty, outstretched arms.  She can’t even reach into her own pockets.  And thanks, Chance Browne, for labeling the vehicle as a BUS.  I would have never figured it out on my own.  For seriously.  Hey, the grass (?) changes from gray to lime green.  WHAT.

Another example of people who have heard of this “Internet” thing, and maybe use it to check their email and such — they just upgraded from Prodigy to AOL, you know, because discs they kept getting in the mail seemed like a heckuva deal — and they want to incorporate the LOLs of Today into their fifty five-year old comic strip.  Dramatic Prairie Dog!  Rick Astley!  See, I can do it, too.

Spoiler Alert… ur doin it wrong.  A spoiler alert indicates that information of a revealing nature is forthcoming.  Dot is providing what we call a “teaser”.  No doubt these post cards of which she speaks are brutally honest and sometimes frightening.

It took me an hour to craft this post.  Aaaarrgh.

Posted in color monkeys, from the mouths of babes, mutations, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, technology | Leave a Comment »

Tuesday is Random Subject Extravaganza Day

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

I wasn’t going to make a post this evening, seeing as the last few days of H&L have been terrible, and un-motivating, and soul-sucking, and… well, you know.  But then I came to today’s strip, and, well, I’ve got to talk about it, because it is a horror show, quite literally.  Well, not literally, but… er, anyway, first here are the last few days of H&L:

Hi and Lois, 3/29/09

3/29/09

Once again, the ol’ “wimmins have too many things, what with their closets and closets full of shoes” and the even older “menz are ruff and tuff and need no possessions, except for a gun”, and Hi keeps his in the nightstand.  So, yes, Lois, he does need it.  Also, I ask you, do any women run around cleaning the house in an old throw-up green college jersey from U Conn (do they live in Connecticut?  They never talk about going to “the city”, though, do they?) and a pink polka-dot ‘kerchief?  Well, I guess I do wear a pink ‘kerchief (I am not kidding).  Anyway.  This comic eats.

Hi and Lois, 3/30/09

3/30/09, fer reals

Is it just me, or does Ditto look like he’s balding in the first panel?  Oh, Color Monkeys!  You provide me with endless amusement.

Recently (okay, way back in January of Ought Nine) I took part in a national commercial for [Insert Popular Restaurant Name Here], assisting in casting of extras during pre-production and being an extra myself on the second day of the shoot.  Fer reals.  I will tell you this: we were in a large stadium, and basketball was involved.  We were there for a long-o time, about thirteen hours (people do not realize how long film and commercial work takes: it is a lot), and at one point, to stave off boredom as we watched the basketball players go through the same routine over and over again, take after take, and faking excitement as a crowd member, take after take, I tried to be funny by demonstrating my lack of basketball knowledge.  “I hope we don’t go into overtime!” I said jokingly.

My seatmate said, “That’s a legitimate term in basketball.”  It’s true, it is; it also was part of the commercial, as I would later find out.  D’oh.

A little later on: “C’mon, Team! Make a field goal!”

“No, that’s real, too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”  And it went on like that.  Fun times.  You had to be there.  Anyway, my point is that I don’t know if 258 is good or not because I have no frame of reference.  See what I did there?  “Frame”!  Like in bowling!  Ahahaha!

Hi and Lois, 3/31/09

3/31/09

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Where the dingity-dang is the joke in this strip?  That Trixie is going to kill her entire family whilst they slumber, like some kind of Real-Life Chucky?  Is she possessed?  What are they watching?  Friggin’ The Ring or The Eye or something?  Or perhaps Lois is saying “How can you watch this Scary Movie with your [etc]”, in which case we have even more to worry about, as Trixie will go around saying WASSSSAAAAP* until her teen years.  That is considerably worse, since the pain and suffering will last a lot longer.  Let’s pray for “kill in sleep”.

*I confess that I have never actually seen Scary Movie, but I have seen the previews, and that’s the only part I remember.  And therein lies the danger of putting ephemeral pop culture references in your movies, folks: in a few years (and sometimes months) it will seem hopelessly dated.  Just look at the pile o’ crapola Disaster Movie, which I think wrote its movie-making-fun-of jokes before said movies were even released to the public.  Stupid, stupid people; at long last, sir, do they have no sense of decency?  But that is the subject of another post, wouldn’t you say?  I think so.

Posted in "quotes", color monkeys, crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, gender, horror, skipped periods | 2 Comments »