High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘crossed arms’ Category

Happy Monday! I guess.

Posted by The Author on June 1, 2009

Let’s get this over with.  I mean, let’s read some Comix!

Hi and Lois, 5/28/09

5/28/09

I don’t have much to say about this one except: now that’s squalor.  My room has looked like that many a time, what with random bitty scraps of paper lying around.  I don’t know about every single drawer bulging open, though.  I’d rather not put anything in drawers at all.  I’m betting Lois is wishing she hadn’t lined the floors with black carpet over the entire house.

Hi and Lois, 5/29/09

5/29/09

Computers will always be too slow, because our attention spans are continuing to wane.  The idea of a Computer-Of-The-Month club both excites and terrifies me, touching both my nerdy and environmentalist sides.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  People suck.

Hi and Lois, 5/30/09

5/30/09

Golf! It’s funny!  Screw you.

Hi and Lois, 5/31/09

5/31/09

Okay. Here we go.  The real meat ‘n’ potatoes of this week.  I can just never get enough of Noyz, can you?  They have such a coherent style!  I’m kidding, of course.  What the Eff.  Chip, are you a hippie?  What’s Mohawk Guy doing there?  Jerry!  Are you supposed to be a bellhop?

I read this comic in the Sunday paper, initially, and knew I just had to see the throwaway panels.  I hoped that they would contain more of Chip’s brilliant lyrics, but it does not.  Apparently the band only has two songs, “Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah (Can You Here Me Now)” and this gem, the Shortest, Angriest Song in the World.  Now, I listen to some pretty questionable music sometimes.  Never have I heard a lyric as explicit and vulgar as “Go ahead and Die! Die! Die!”.  I think they need some work.  Also, what the hell?  Don’t they know that Hi is a Baby-Boomer Parental Figure and will object to all music that doesn’t come from, I dunno, Neil Young or someone?*

They don’t have girlfriends.  Who’s surprised?

That about wraps up the month of May, I guess.  I’ll start with today’s comic tomorrow, along with tomorrow’s comic.  Did that make sense?  I’m sure it did.  See you later.

*Digression: My father has begun playing the video game Rock Band recently, and lemme tell you — it’s the strangest thing in the world to see my dad playing Rage Against The Machine songs and asking what the lyrics are in a Linkin Park song.  “What are they saying?  Stand up when you’re talking to me?”  No, Dad, it’s shut up when you’re talking to me, a physical impossibility unless you know sign language.

Posted in "quotes", age, crossed arms, god what awful noyz, google-eyes, headbands, skipped periods | 4 Comments »

Social lives are for ethnic people.

Posted by The Author on May 24, 2009

I would have had a post up yesterday, but I have a terrible case of Bad Internet.  So anyway.  Let’s get this over with.

Hi and Lois, 5/23/09

5/23/09

Where are they?  I don’t know.  Perhaps they’re coming from church, whose steeple I can see towering in the background.  Does… does anyone ever stop an entire group of people just to tell them what a lovely family they are, sans the moody teenage son?  People stop to tell us how cute our dogs are.  And of course, everyone thought I was an adorable baby.  But this…?  It’s a bit odd.  You don’t even know that they are a family, ma’am, or that Hi is their real father.  Which he isn’t.

Anyway.  I like (yes, like) two things about this strip.  I un-ironically like that the date is written on the door of the non-descript building — an actual good example of incorporating the meta with the art.  I ironically like the bleak, torn Circus poster hanging next to Chip’s devil-may-care pose.  Chip.  You are fooling no one.

Hi and Lois, 5/24/09

5/24/09

Auurgh, this is such crap.  No, sorry, that’s not funny — I need to actually point out some things.  What follows are things that I am pointing out.

  • Milton! says Lois’s shirt.  Or does it say… Wilton?  I can’t really tell.  If it really does say Wilton, that proves a point we’ve been pondering in the comments.  Another shout out to the homies in Connecticut from my dawgs B & G Walker.  Does Lois wear anything on her day off that doesn’t recall college?
  • Debbie and J.C.; are they too a real entity?  Or is “J.C.” merely a reminder of our Lord Christ?
  • There doesn’t seem to be a proper apostrophe in Lois’s second-panel dialogue.  “Weve”?  Also, check out that thousand mile stare as she remembers happier times.
  • Also, “Yay!”?  Are we three years old, Lois?
  • The wide shot of the squalid living room kinda cracks me up.  It is practically cartoonish in its ruin, is it not?  A sock hanging off the lamp.  Empty cans of Beige Brand Beer lying sideways on the coffee table.  A bulging bookbag hooked precariously over the edge of the flatscreen television, threatening to pull it over and shatter it all over the damn carpet.  No house looks like this.  (Well, I hope no house does.)
  • It might be difficult to see in the tiny web-version of the comic, but Trixie is defying the laws of physics.  She brings down a dustbunny (or crumpled paper, or cartoon cloud) in her tiny hand, and then radically alters its projectory so that it flies across the room instead of burying itself in the ground?  This was drawn by the same people who don’t know how motion lines work.
  • The Flagston Parents live a sad and lonely life, alienated from the other families who have a more sane amount of offspring.
  • God, these people cross their arms more than anyone on earth!  No one crosses their arms that much!  I know you’re trying to add variety and sassiness to your drawings but it’s just annoying me!
  • Sorry about that.

Happy Labor Day Memorial Day weekend!  I mix those two up sometimes.

Posted in age, crossed arms, real-ish, skipped periods | Leave a Comment »

Doesn’t America NEED to go on a diet, though? *rimshot*

Posted by The Author on May 18, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/18/09

5/18/09

Ha ha ha, that’s so not funny and true because of the state of the economy today, and there is a metaphor for fatness and chronic dieting, blah blah blah et cetera whatever.  With that out of the way, I’ll have you know that I’m not really paying attention to the content of this comic as much as I am the comic itself, if you get my drift.  You don’t?  Well… look at them.  Hideous.  Their hands seem to have been sucked up by their armpits.  Hi’s foot is twice as big as his head.  And, fer reals, who has a den laid out like this, with the couch placed at an angle in front of the window, and a flat screen TV in the dead center of the room?  And black carpeting?  What were they thinking?

Okay, I will briefly discuss the content.  Briefly.  We all know that comics are written approximately five thousand years before they are published, so often by the time they get to the paper they could be dealing with old or outdated news.  Here we have that very case: gas prices in the last two weeks have jumped back up to two-fifty-ish in my neck of the woods.  That could be a sign that Americans are now consuming more fuel, I guess, but after some in-depth research (sort of) I was unable to find any data on current national fuel consumption.  I was hoping for a graph or something.  I really enjoy graphs.*

But anyhoozle.  The point is that today’s comic is fantastically lazy.  And so am I.  So I am now done.

*I tried very hard to find the clip from How I Met Your Mother in which Marshall shows a pie chart of his favorite bars followed by a bar graph of his favorite pies.  I thought that would be somewhat relevant.  Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.  So I’ll have to leave you with this.

Posted in crossed arms, half-assed, munny | Leave a Comment »

Go Team Mobile!

Posted by The Author on May 15, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/15/09

5/15/09

Oh, those teenagers and their texting and their YouTubes and fax machines and hula-hoops.  Since I don’t think Chip has a job (I don’t know how I came to that conclusion, but methinks it is accurate), who pays for that extravagant cell phone and the subsequent texts?  Mom and Dad, of course.  So why waste four cents when you can just shout at your children instead?

The final panel is a total mess.  First of all, it’s summer.  Are they eating dinner at nine o’clock?  It’s pitch-black outside.  Hi is buzzed on three post-work dirty martinis and can barely lift his fork to shovel indiscriminate food-lumps into his mouth.  And Trixie is nowhere to be found.  Probably she’s frolicking in the rat poison.  Also, Chip’s second word balloon is flamboyantly oversized for the text inside.  Perhaps in the original version of this comic he spouted out something too radical and shocking to be printed in papers.  But that’s a pipe dream.

(Note: the title of this post is pretty obscure.  Sorry.)

Posted in crossed arms, drunkeness, technology | 2 Comments »

That’s good enough for me.

Posted by The Author on May 14, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/14/09

Photobucket

I call no way.  There’s not a chance in Heck that Lois the health-food shilling nutcase would have that many different varities of demon sweets in her house.  Actually, some of them look more like stacks of CDs, but that’s not the point!  Did Ditto knock over some poor little Girl Scout to procure this bounty of cookies?  I shudder to think.  At any rate, I think Lois’s reaction should be less “looking on with an oh-you-kids expression” and more “wide-eyed gaping-mouthed horror followed by subsequent table-diving”, taking into account her past measures to secure her children’s health.

A few more items of note:

  • Another case of Mutating Background Affliction.  Between panel one and two the cupboards shift, Ditto’s chair changes color, and the pictures on the fridge turn from delightful family snapshots and cut-out comic strips to what appears to be either the flag of some foreign country or the moon seen through a window.  Huh.  Is it that difficult to draw the same thing twice?  Even better, do you, Mr. or Ms. Artist, need to constantly put yourself in a position where you are required to render a scene from the same angle?  Why not switch viewpoints?  Just a little forty-five degree shift, that’s all.  You’re not taking advantage of the medium is all I’m saying.  But all that is serious critique, not blatant making-fun-of, which is what the people have come for.  And this bullet-list item has become very long indeed.
  • Ditto.  Sweetheart.  You know nothing of gourmet, which probably shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve been eight years old for the past half-century.  It’s not ice cream that cleanses the palate, it’s sorbet.  All you want is an excuse to gorge yourself on biscuits.
  • That was pretty much all I had.  I’m done now.
  • Oh, wait, just kidding!  Also, Lois’s neckerscarf is hideous.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Mutant High and Lois. Ahaha!

Posted by The Author on April 30, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/29/09

4/29/09

At first I read “cigar” as “cigarette” which is considerably… worse?  Better?  Cigars seem to be more “socially acceptable” as an addiction, and seen as something that people smoke only once in a while — not constantly, one after another. Trixie would have found several, if not dozens, of cigarette butts.  But cigars?  Preeow!  That’s a tough, portly man’s smoke.  And Mr. T is a tough, portly man.  Wait, I mean a drunkard.

What other “messy habits” does Mr. T have that need to be kept on that side of the fence?  Splatterball?  Donkey mud-wrestling?  Ritual animal sacrifices?  Hey, as long as you keep them off our grass, I’ll look the other way.

Hi and Lois, 4/30/09

4/30/09

I’m sort of stunned at how popular the X-Men franchise has turned out to be.  The first one came out, what, 2000?  Now we’ve got three other movies, one of which is about the Wolverine guy.  And later we’ll have X-Men Origins: Magneto, and then X-Men: First Class (which I guess will be about mutant algebra, because that was always my first class, minus the mutant part).

I would be fine with all of this if the trailer for Wolverine didn’t look like a parody.  A happy couple living on a farm: “I love you!”  Then someone blows up their barn with a missile.  Then Wolverine clutches his dead lady-friend and yells NOOOOO at the sky.  Are they for serious?

But I digress.  Yes, the summer blockbuster season is getting longer, it seems.  What a funny joke!  Oh, wait.

Hi and Lois, 4/19/09

4/19?

This is the Sunday H&L from a few weeks ago.  Kind of goes with our X-Menery, so I thought I’d include it.  When I first saw this strip, I spent about fifteen minutes trying to figure it all out.

Our throw-away panels: baseball, again!  Do people really memorize baseball stats?  Why do you need to know them?  Why can’t you just carry around a little book if it’s so important?  What are they teaching our children these days?  Arglebargle.

The Superhero Analogy is actually pretty clever, though it wouldn’t really be any help to me personally.  Firstly, Hi is mixing Roman gods with Greek gods.  Sure, they’re the same gods with different names, but Odysseus is going to look at you funny if you start referencing Jupiter and Minerva instead of Zeus and What’s-Her-Name.  He’s also picking characters from the DC and Marvel universes, which just complicates things even further.

Sub-Mariner…?  I have never heard of him.  If you say to me, “Underwater Superhero”, I would say to you: Aquaman!  But anyway.

Hi is reading from Bulfinch’s Mythology, which I think is a pretty nice touch.  Do they really teach from a 154-year-old book in school’s nowadays?  Don’t they use the Inter-Tubes or whatever?  It’s been a while since I was in the public school system.

‘Nuff for today.

Posted in crossed arms, google-eyes, pop culture, teh moviez | 4 Comments »

Bring in da Noyz, bring in the What the F**k?!

Posted by The Author on April 27, 2009

Argh.  Thanks for the encouraging (and sometimes sarcastic) comments.  I’m about a week and a half behind, I know.  I figure I’ll just do two comics a day or so until I’m caught up, because, seriously, there were some strange comics these past few days.  Anyway.  I just got back from the first day of my new day-job and I’m tired and cranky, so this will probably be short and uncharacteristically mean-spirited.  But I guess we’ll see.

Hi and Lois, 4/26/09

4/26/09

This is yesterday’s comic. I initially read it in the newspaper, so I didn’t get the perplexing throwaway panel.  “Blah blah blah blah blah.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!”  Um.  What?  Are these lyrics, or is it just a sound check?  Either way, I am saddened.  That is the worst song/soundcheck I have ever heard.  But then again, what can you expect from a band called “Noyz”?

Chip’s getup is absolutely ludicrous.  What the fark is he wearing?  A ladybug-patterned sock-cap?  Apparently it brings in the lady listeners, however, as three girls inexplicably appear and show interest in these three clowns.  Those girls would not be interested in those boys.  Those boys are losers.  Period.  “Grab a seat”?  Where?

Also, on a side-note, have you noticed that all the fictional bands you see in the comics or in cartoons or whatever lack a proper bass and have one guy (or girl) on the keyboard?  Now, I’m very positive towards synthesizers (I love me some Depeche Mode), but where hath gone all the basses?  Do they think viewers would be confused if there were two guitar-shaped instruments?  Also, notice how Portly Friend’s kickdrum lacks an actual kicking mechanisim.  I know H&L isn’t known for its fantastic artwork, but still…

Hi and Lois, 4/27/09

4/27/09

And now, today’s comic.

Well, Hi, you have to include wages for staff, including the host/hostess, servers, cooks, busboys; and for the general maintenance of the restaurant itself.  But oh, wait, that’s the logical, non-funny answer.  The funny answer is… oh, wait, there’s no funny answer in this comic, either.  Do they have enough money to pay the bill, or will they be sent back to wash dishes?  Er, does that ever happen in real life?  I would like to say “probably not”.

That’s enough for today.  I need to go break up a dogfight.

Posted in crossed arms, god what awful noyz, munny, real-ish, skipped periods, wtf | 3 Comments »

Some post-Easter frivolities

Posted by The Author on April 14, 2009

Well, I suppose I can’t put this off any longer, or else the comics will just keep on buildin’ up and buildin’ up and soon I’ll be even more miserable.  So forgive me if I’m a little short in this post; I’m just not feelin’ it today.  Also, I’ve been droppin’ my g’s, a sure sign that I am beginning to lose it.  Er, excuse me, I mean beginnin’.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/09

4/11/09

Of course there’s enough for her: they’re eating invisible food.  Unless they plan on sharing that green cartoon duck’s foot in the center of the table.  Seriously, Chance Brown, would it have taken you more than five minutes to plop a few steaks on those plates?  Or even the ol’ generic Food Lumps?  Please.

Hmm.  What could Mrs. Thurston (I know she has a first name… Irma?  I’m not going to look it up) have been making so close to dinner that required a cup of sugar?  A friggin’ dinner-cake?  Unless she sent Mr. T off earlier that afternoon and just now realized that he hadn’t returned.

Hi and Lois, 4/12/09

4/12/09

Ignoring the lameness of the jokes in this “comic”, who the heck gives a very breakable egg to an infant?  She’s going to stuff the whole thing in her mouth and choke on that bitch.  Ah, well.  So, are they coloring eggs on Easter morning?  I suppose so, since Ditto is flaunting his chocolate booty.  My family goes to church at seven forty-five on Easter morning.  We don’t got no time to sit around and color eggs.  Actually, that’s why Easter is probably my least favorite holiday: because I have to wake up early.  Anyway.  Screw all y’all.

Hi and Lois, 4/13/09

4/13/09

I read Monday’s strip in the paper on Monday morning, not the night before on the Internet like I usually do.  So when I read this strip, I immediately thought: “Rating the holidays by the quantity of candy?!?  With that logic, the order of holidays should be Christmas, then Easter, then Halloween, because, honestly, Christmas is gift-centric, not candy-centric.  Another flawed rating system!  If only I could tell everyone how irked I am at this comic strip!”  Then I remembered that I write a blog about this comic strip.  Luckily.

Hi and Lois, 4/14/09

4/14/09

Aaaahhhh, finally, Tax Comix!  And the day before our taxes are due!  H&L, you have surprised me!

Er, are doing one’s taxes really that, ahem, taxing nowadays?  Now that we have our fancy-schmancy computer programs and so forth.  I mean, it’s really not that difficult: enter your W2s, 1099s if you have them (I do, sometimes), enter your deductions… bam.  You’re done.  Maybe it’s just me, but it’s not like the friggin’ Apocalypse or something. It doesn’t make me dream up fakey prescription medications that no doubt have a laundry list of side-effects.  Tax Lax, indeed.  What is this sudden fascination with prescription medications?  It may be that the writers are old.

Anyhoozle.

I’ve got House Hunters on in the background while I write this (shut up, it’s either that or Generic “An Animal Is Eating Me” Show), and one of the homebuyers has the same name as I do.  And the realtor keeps saying her name; like, sandwiching sentences with it.  “KT, how do you like this room, KT?”  It’s very distracting.  I’m always suspicious of people who use people’s names too often.  I know they do it to seem more friendly and personable.  It doesn’t work on me.

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, half-assed, munny, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

Someone who doesn’t watch sports tries to explain sports-related comix.

Posted by The Author on April 5, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/5/09

4/5/09

Uh-huh.  What is this fixation all the youngin’s seem to have with baseball?  I have never found the sport to be very interesting.  In fact, I’ve attended a total of maybe two actual games, and was bored silly throughout; I never see it on television, not even by accident.  In contrast, I went to a hockey game recently and was almost never bored: hockey just moves so quickly, and is so fluid, and luck can change in a matter of seconds. Baseball, on the other hand, is more like football, in which there is action for five to ten seconds and then long periods of anguish and waiting and me going argh erhg bah I am so bored.  I still like football better than baseball, though, because guys tackle each other.  Actually, I have found that I kind of enjoy seeing guys tackle each other, no matter what the occassion: football, hockey, boxing, figure skating…  I don’t know what that says about me.

But I digress.  Despite Ditto’s admirable enthusiasm for An Old-Fashioned American Sport (an almost obsessive enthusiasm, I’ll say, considering he’s just going to be sittin’ in his living room watching the telly,), he conks out 1/9th of the way into the game.  There’s something weird and disturbing about the way Hi is cradling his son in the last panel: though sleeping, Ditto is still grinning, clutching a baseball like a wire mother, emitting a single Z from his gaping maw.  And throughout, Lois remains silently bemused.

One hundred and sixty-two games?  Is that even possible?  How many hours of baseball-watching is that?  I am depressed.

Posted in baseball, crossed arms, current events, stubbiness syndrome | 5 Comments »

Perhaps the Candyman can.

Posted by The Author on April 2, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/2/09

4/2/09

This grocery store is “COMPLETELY STUPID”

So no one is admitted into the junk food aisle without an adult?  Does that mean that an adult can’t go in without an adult?  And what about the second adult?  Does he or she need an adult as well?  Who can go into this Forbidden Aisle?  Soon we will have a whole cadre of adults trying to squeeze their way into the store, to no avail.  The problem here is poor signage, as I’m sure you’re aware.  Anyway.  If a child has so much sway over a parental unit that even traipsing through the “junk food aisle” will result in a cart full of Ho-Hos and Deep Fried Butter Nuggets, the real problem lies not in the grocery store, but in the parenting.

Lois looks like she’s staring right at us as she speaks her cheerful nonsense.  As well as she can with those eyes.

[Oh, and by the way, there was no April First Mirth in the comics page, except for, like, Blondie.  Utter disappointment.  At least Arlo & Janis repeated my April Fish fact.  Sigh.  Maybe next year.]

Posted in "quotes", crossed arms, real-ish | 3 Comments »