High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Archive for the ‘color monkeys’ Category

This conversation has never taken place anywhere in the entire history of the world.

Posted by The Author on May 19, 2009

A nice late-afternoon post for you late-afternoon people!  I guess.  I didn’t get a chance to read the comics this morning; I wonder what today’s frivolity will be…

Hi and Lois, 5/19/09


Oh, yeah?  What about a sleeping puppy?  What about two sleeping puppies?  What about a shopping cart full of bunnies?  Trixie is not cute, slumbering or awake.  Besides, that’s not even Trixie in the photo.  If you look closely, you can see that it’s a sleeping figure eight.  Nice try, C. Browne!  Now.  Are there any phones that exist today that have the ability to take/receive photos and also have an antenna?  Do any new cell phones have antennae?  I’m inclined to say “probably not”.  At least it distracted my attention away from that poor excuse for a laptop.  Sure, in the first panel the artist at least attempts to rough in a keyboard of some fashion, but by panel two he as completely given up.

I didn’t know Lois worked in a real estate office.  I guess it would make sense.  And I guess that helps answer Trixie’s questions about where her family disappears to all day.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Lois is required to hire a babysitter, but somehow I am.  I guess I just assumed that she leaves Trixie to fend for herself.  Also, is it Wear Pink to the Office Day?  Not so good a decision for Reddy McRedderson there, since it, well, clashes a bit.  Okay, a lot.

I’m going to fall over soon.  That’s enough for today.


Posted in color monkeys, real-ish, technology | 7 Comments »

That’s good enough for me.

Posted by The Author on May 14, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/14/09


I call no way.  There’s not a chance in Heck that Lois the health-food shilling nutcase would have that many different varities of demon sweets in her house.  Actually, some of them look more like stacks of CDs, but that’s not the point!  Did Ditto knock over some poor little Girl Scout to procure this bounty of cookies?  I shudder to think.  At any rate, I think Lois’s reaction should be less “looking on with an oh-you-kids expression” and more “wide-eyed gaping-mouthed horror followed by subsequent table-diving”, taking into account her past measures to secure her children’s health.

A few more items of note:

  • Another case of Mutating Background Affliction.  Between panel one and two the cupboards shift, Ditto’s chair changes color, and the pictures on the fridge turn from delightful family snapshots and cut-out comic strips to what appears to be either the flag of some foreign country or the moon seen through a window.  Huh.  Is it that difficult to draw the same thing twice?  Even better, do you, Mr. or Ms. Artist, need to constantly put yourself in a position where you are required to render a scene from the same angle?  Why not switch viewpoints?  Just a little forty-five degree shift, that’s all.  You’re not taking advantage of the medium is all I’m saying.  But all that is serious critique, not blatant making-fun-of, which is what the people have come for.  And this bullet-list item has become very long indeed.
  • Ditto.  Sweetheart.  You know nothing of gourmet, which probably shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve been eight years old for the past half-century.  It’s not ice cream that cleanses the palate, it’s sorbet.  All you want is an excuse to gorge yourself on biscuits.
  • That was pretty much all I had.  I’m done now.
  • Oh, wait, just kidding!  Also, Lois’s neckerscarf is hideous.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, half-assed, mutations | 1 Comment »

Observations on several subjects

Posted by The Author on April 8, 2009

Before we begin this post: a note!  Because blogs such as Date Wrecks and You Suck at Craigslist have inspired me so greatly, I’ve started a new blog, one I can update sporadically and save my sanity from the horror-trap of H&L.  For now it is called Missed Connections, but hopefully I’ll think of a more snarky title later on.  The first few entries are neither too lulsy nor horrifying; hopefully I’ll find something good.

Tell your friends, tell your coworkers; climb onto rooftops and litter the streets with fliers.  Whatever it takes.

Now: comix!

Hi and Lois, 4/8/09


Zzzzzz….*snrk* Wha-happa?! A badly drawn comic with badly executed jokes?!? Yes. Is Chip holding a glass in his deformed hand, or is that part of the design on his shirt? I do not know. Everyone looks like they were drawn by someone else, someone who normally illustrates IKEA directions or something.

You’d assume that this was just a cute-kid-thinks-cute-thoughts comic, wouldn’t you? Take a gander out the window. Do you see anything outside? It appears that the house is buried in fifteen feet of snow… or, (and my mind tends to drift in the sinister direction, in case you haven’t noticed) Trixie is actually watching a nuclear blast; soon the paint on the walls with turn to smoke and the roof will be ripped from its moors. Actually, poor Trixie has probably already been blinded. Dawg is a bit smarter; he’s already ducked-and-covered.

Did you ever see Duck and Cover? Not the Mallard Filmore blog, the terrifying 50s-era filmstrip for school-age children. It’s amazing.

Hi and Lois, 4/9/09


The way Lois is drawn in this strip… it just makes me feel sorry for her.  Look at her itty-bitty, outstretched arms.  She can’t even reach into her own pockets.  And thanks, Chance Browne, for labeling the vehicle as a BUS.  I would have never figured it out on my own.  For seriously.  Hey, the grass (?) changes from gray to lime green.  WHAT.

Another example of people who have heard of this “Internet” thing, and maybe use it to check their email and such — they just upgraded from Prodigy to AOL, you know, because discs they kept getting in the mail seemed like a heckuva deal — and they want to incorporate the LOLs of Today into their fifty five-year old comic strip.  Dramatic Prairie Dog!  Rick Astley!  See, I can do it, too.

Spoiler Alert… ur doin it wrong.  A spoiler alert indicates that information of a revealing nature is forthcoming.  Dot is providing what we call a “teaser”.  No doubt these post cards of which she speaks are brutally honest and sometimes frightening.

It took me an hour to craft this post.  Aaaarrgh.

Posted in color monkeys, from the mouths of babes, mutations, pop culture, stubbiness syndrome, technology | Leave a Comment »

More common than you’d think.

Posted by The Author on April 4, 2009

Hi and Lois, 4/4/09



It looks like the wacky hairstyles of yesterday have carried over to today’s strip.  They must have just put new Color Monkeys on staff.  Anyhoozle.  What the crap.  “Maladies”?  I may use big words sometimes (I’m megagaltastic!), but that’s pushin’ it.  Maladies, indeed.

This comic is totes* on the edge, what with its not-so-subtle discussion of urine and the power of suggestion.  That’s gross, guys.  Remember a couple years ago, that one commercial for some make-you-stop-peeing medicine, and it had a little theme song that went, basically, gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, over and over again?**  Well, I do.  I wonder who those people are, the ones with this terrible “malady”.  Older folks?  Maybe.  There is a Pluggers joke here, I just know it.

Why is Hi hanging out with Thurston so much lately?  Trying to get away from his wife, lest they have yet another kid.  Look, guys, it’s two in the morning.  I have to go to bed, not sit around reading crappy comix.

*Short for “totally”.  I made it up, I hope.

**When I wrote that, the song “Don’t Go” by Yaz popped up on my Pandora playlist.  El oh el.  On a side-side note, do you wonder if Yaz is miffed that their name is now used for a birth control pill with annoying commercials?  Because I would be.

Programming note: DUDES AND LADIES, I totally got 63 hits yesterday. THAT IS A LOT.  COLOR ME AMAZED.

Posted in age, color monkeys, skipped periods, wtf | 3 Comments »

Whatever happened to “be excellent to each other”?

Posted by The Author on April 3, 2009

Argh.  Dudes.  I’m trying to revamp my website (which shall remain nameless — it is from my other life [meaning, job-life]), and it’s driving me nuts-o.  Apparently all these months of blogging and relying on templates has caused my HTML skills to, er, rust a little, so I find myself stumbling around, yelling at the computer when I find out that the “align” attribute in the <div> tag has been deprecated.  Change sucks, yo — especially when I’m expected to know cascading style sheets in order to build a stupid little webpage.  It may just be that my web host is drivin’ me crazy, too.  I would like to have the ability to transfer a file from one folder to another, thank you very much!  Arglebargle!

Ahem.  But anyway. Why not take a break and bask in the calming effects of H&L.  Won’t you?

Hi and Lois, 4/3/09


What the brickity-brack paddy-whack is going on in this strip?!  Up is down!  Black is white!  People’s hairstyles seem to be morphing from panel to panel!  We all know that Thurston is a blond.  He has always been a blond.  Apparently this morning, in his ever-present drunken haze, has confused his shampoo with a bottle of his wife’s hair dye.  Maybe it’s a wig, two days too late for April Fool’s Day.  Whatever it is, it’s creepin’ me out.  And Hi, between Panel One and Panel Two, seems to have taken a buzzer to the side of his head, so he may sport the “punk” look that all the kids have these days.

Generic Crotchety Boss uses the word “like” in an all too casual manner.  Do bosses really talk like that nowadays?  “I am so totally firing you, brah,” he will probably say at the next employee performance review.  “Dude.  Those reports?  Totally heinous.”  Do beer-bong drinkin’, puka-shell wearin’, tribal-tat havin’ frat boys actually say “heinous”?  I hope they do.

The point is that this comic has failed on many levels.

Posted in color monkeys, drunkeness, mutations, wtf | 2 Comments »

In France it’s called The April Fish! I bet you did not know that.

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

A special three-panel H&L for today!

Hi and Lois, 4/1/09


Oh, April Fool’s Day. I always forget you are coming, and then I am confused at the haps* of the day, when everything is different.  I do not find you particularly amusing or mirthful, though others may. I guess I’ll have a lot to look forward to in the comics page tomorrow.  I guess.  Remember that year when a bunch of the comics swapped strips with each other?  I do.  Am I old?  Perhaps.

Anyhoozle.  If Chip didn’t do all that good-natured, honest work, why is there a giant sweatdrop coming off his forehead?  Nervousness about being caught in his lame-o lie?  Or maybe it is a tear over his sudden case of baldness in panel two.  Also!  Who’s stealing my catchphrases, huh?  They even spelled it wrong!  It’s “fer reals“, guys.  If you’re going to use hip slang, do the proper research and consult me first.

Check out Lois’s beady button eyes in panel one.  Her real April Fool’s Day trick is that she’s been replaced by a cyborg.  Or a clone, or a body-snatching alien; whatever your sci-fi flavor may be.  The point is that it’s freaking me out.  How far out am I freaking?  All the way.  I mean, look at her mechanical laugh in panel three.  That laugh belongeth not to a human.


Posted in color monkeys, half-assed, horror, pop culture | 2 Comments »

Tuesday is Random Subject Extravaganza Day

Posted by The Author on March 31, 2009

I wasn’t going to make a post this evening, seeing as the last few days of H&L have been terrible, and un-motivating, and soul-sucking, and… well, you know.  But then I came to today’s strip, and, well, I’ve got to talk about it, because it is a horror show, quite literally.  Well, not literally, but… er, anyway, first here are the last few days of H&L:

Hi and Lois, 3/29/09


Once again, the ol’ “wimmins have too many things, what with their closets and closets full of shoes” and the even older “menz are ruff and tuff and need no possessions, except for a gun”, and Hi keeps his in the nightstand.  So, yes, Lois, he does need it.  Also, I ask you, do any women run around cleaning the house in an old throw-up green college jersey from U Conn (do they live in Connecticut?  They never talk about going to “the city”, though, do they?) and a pink polka-dot ‘kerchief?  Well, I guess I do wear a pink ‘kerchief (I am not kidding).  Anyway.  This comic eats.

Hi and Lois, 3/30/09

3/30/09, fer reals

Is it just me, or does Ditto look like he’s balding in the first panel?  Oh, Color Monkeys!  You provide me with endless amusement.

Recently (okay, way back in January of Ought Nine) I took part in a national commercial for [Insert Popular Restaurant Name Here], assisting in casting of extras during pre-production and being an extra myself on the second day of the shoot.  Fer reals.  I will tell you this: we were in a large stadium, and basketball was involved.  We were there for a long-o time, about thirteen hours (people do not realize how long film and commercial work takes: it is a lot), and at one point, to stave off boredom as we watched the basketball players go through the same routine over and over again, take after take, and faking excitement as a crowd member, take after take, I tried to be funny by demonstrating my lack of basketball knowledge.  “I hope we don’t go into overtime!” I said jokingly.

My seatmate said, “That’s a legitimate term in basketball.”  It’s true, it is; it also was part of the commercial, as I would later find out.  D’oh.

A little later on: “C’mon, Team! Make a field goal!”

“No, that’s real, too.”


“Really.”  And it went on like that.  Fun times.  You had to be there.  Anyway, my point is that I don’t know if 258 is good or not because I have no frame of reference.  See what I did there?  “Frame”!  Like in bowling!  Ahahaha!

Hi and Lois, 3/31/09



Where the dingity-dang is the joke in this strip?  That Trixie is going to kill her entire family whilst they slumber, like some kind of Real-Life Chucky?  Is she possessed?  What are they watching?  Friggin’ The Ring or The Eye or something?  Or perhaps Lois is saying “How can you watch this Scary Movie with your [etc]”, in which case we have even more to worry about, as Trixie will go around saying WASSSSAAAAP* until her teen years.  That is considerably worse, since the pain and suffering will last a lot longer.  Let’s pray for “kill in sleep”.

*I confess that I have never actually seen Scary Movie, but I have seen the previews, and that’s the only part I remember.  And therein lies the danger of putting ephemeral pop culture references in your movies, folks: in a few years (and sometimes months) it will seem hopelessly dated.  Just look at the pile o’ crapola Disaster Movie, which I think wrote its movie-making-fun-of jokes before said movies were even released to the public.  Stupid, stupid people; at long last, sir, do they have no sense of decency?  But that is the subject of another post, wouldn’t you say?  I think so.

Posted in "quotes", color monkeys, crossed arms, from the mouths of babes, gender, horror, skipped periods | 2 Comments »

People love it when you lose; they love Dirty Laundry

Posted by The Author on March 22, 2009

Quick Monday note: hello again!  Thanks for stopping by!  The other day I totalled whopping thirty-six views, and I’m pretty sure individual visitors are only counted once, but I may be wrong about that.  Thirty-six views in one day!  I do appreciate it.  It’s about thirty-four more views than I was expecting.

Also, someone came to this page via a search for “people inflation”.  This intrigues me.  Does it refer to the inflation of humanity as a whole, in a figurative sense?  Or literally, and of a single, specific person, like those hideous anime-esque pictures on 4chan or DeviantArt or whatever that depict women with rapidly enlarging bosoms or what have you?  My Dear Reader, I sincerely hope it is the former.

Hi and Lois, 3/23/09


Hey, bucko, if you don’t like the way she’s doing the laundry, do it yourself.  Jeezy Creezy.

By the way, Lois’s reasoning is a bit flawed, dontcha think?  Kids don’t like their clothing being washed together?  1) Don’t let them into the basement.  Fold ’em and put them in seperate baskets.  (The clothes, not the kids.)  It’s worth it to prevent having loads of differently-colored clothes turn grayish purple in the wash.  Or, 2) tell them to stop being little brats.  I swear.

The Flagstons’ basement seems to exist in some kind of otherworldly plane where things randomly change position.  The first panel is innocuous enough, right?  Facing the back wall of the laundry area, we presume.  Then in Panel Two — which is essentially a 180-degree camera turn-around — Lois, Hi, and both laundry baskets swap places.  It’s magical; somewhat disorienting; could it be a new non-linear, existential angle?  One can only hope.

You know… I enjoy pink.  It’s my favorite color.  However, I don’t wear it every day.  Many, many persons of the female persuasion don’t wear it every day.  In the world of H&L, though, they do.  Pink and blue, the easy way out.  Do you have some sort of palate you have to follow, Color Monkeys?  Only four or five hues per comic?  IDo you make good use of the Eyedropper Tool in Photoshop?  I have so many questions.

(Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down…)

Posted in color monkeys, lulsy search terms, mutations, real-ish | 3 Comments »

In like a lion, I guess…

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/21/09


Oh, dearie me.  Ignoring the most obvious comment here (The mens like the sports and the wimmins ceeeyyyan’t steeeand ’em! Comedy Gold!  Spousal Discord!  Impending Divorce If We’re Lucky But Mostly Likely Years Of Stifled Unhappiness!) , I’ve got to point out a few things: in Panel Uno, Thirsty is wearing either a flesh-colored glove or has party dots and a very badly done tribal tattoo.  Good try, Color Monkeys!  In Panel Dos, check out Hi’s squatty little arm — it’s hilarious.  And the more I look at it, the more horrified I become.  It may even be horrlarious.  At least Hi seems to be overcoming his disability and is now taking fashion tips from his son for the occasion.  Check out the March Madness Spread, by the way; there’s a flag in the mashed potatoes.  A white surrender flag.

I don’t really follow basketball… at all… nor do I follow any sport (I presume that neither marching band competitions nor dog shows count), so these Hee-larious Sports Comix are usually lost on me.  Le sigh.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, google-eyes, horror, mutations, skipped periods, stubbiness syndrome | 4 Comments »

Hey, we should balance some eggs on end!

Posted by The Author on March 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 3/20/09


Yes, that would make more sense, if it made any sense at all.   Goddamn you to hell, Hi, for indulging your son’s retarded little fantasies.   Arrrgh!  I want to insert an ellipsis in the second speech bubble.  Don’t you? That would make more sense.

Whew.  What happened back there?  I’m calmer now.  Anyhoozle, another bleak weather comic with a bleak snowy landscape and bleak houses that inexplicably turn completely white in winter, save for their cyan shutters.  The poor Color Monkeys may be to blame for Ditto’s sudden appearance of sleeves in the second panel, but then again, the source artwork is pretty vague. Perhaps ten minutes have passed between panels, and Ditto had time to change into a white button-down shirt and Han Solo vest before finishing his sentence.

At least it is technically Spring now, so perhaps there will be fewer snow jokes and more tax-time jokes.  I gurantee that there will be at least two Tax Comix in the next month.

Posted in color monkeys, crossed arms, mutations, skipped periods, wtf | 1 Comment »