High On ‘Lois’

when cartoonists stop caring.

Happy Monday! I guess.

Posted by The Author on June 1, 2009

Let’s get this over with.  I mean, let’s read some Comix!

Hi and Lois, 5/28/09


I don’t have much to say about this one except: now that’s squalor.  My room has looked like that many a time, what with random bitty scraps of paper lying around.  I don’t know about every single drawer bulging open, though.  I’d rather not put anything in drawers at all.  I’m betting Lois is wishing she hadn’t lined the floors with black carpet over the entire house.

Hi and Lois, 5/29/09


Computers will always be too slow, because our attention spans are continuing to wane.  The idea of a Computer-Of-The-Month club both excites and terrifies me, touching both my nerdy and environmentalist sides.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  People suck.

Hi and Lois, 5/30/09


Golf! It’s funny!  Screw you.

Hi and Lois, 5/31/09


Okay. Here we go.  The real meat ‘n’ potatoes of this week.  I can just never get enough of Noyz, can you?  They have such a coherent style!  I’m kidding, of course.  What the Eff.  Chip, are you a hippie?  What’s Mohawk Guy doing there?  Jerry!  Are you supposed to be a bellhop?

I read this comic in the Sunday paper, initially, and knew I just had to see the throwaway panels.  I hoped that they would contain more of Chip’s brilliant lyrics, but it does not.  Apparently the band only has two songs, “Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah (Can You Here Me Now)” and this gem, the Shortest, Angriest Song in the World.  Now, I listen to some pretty questionable music sometimes.  Never have I heard a lyric as explicit and vulgar as “Go ahead and Die! Die! Die!”.  I think they need some work.  Also, what the hell?  Don’t they know that Hi is a Baby-Boomer Parental Figure and will object to all music that doesn’t come from, I dunno, Neil Young or someone?*

They don’t have girlfriends.  Who’s surprised?

That about wraps up the month of May, I guess.  I’ll start with today’s comic tomorrow, along with tomorrow’s comic.  Did that make sense?  I’m sure it did.  See you later.

*Digression: My father has begun playing the video game Rock Band recently, and lemme tell you — it’s the strangest thing in the world to see my dad playing Rage Against The Machine songs and asking what the lyrics are in a Linkin Park song.  “What are they saying?  Stand up when you’re talking to me?”  No, Dad, it’s shut up when you’re talking to me, a physical impossibility unless you know sign language.

Posted in "quotes", age, crossed arms, god what awful noyz, google-eyes, headbands, skipped periods | 4 Comments »

I’m getting my material from other blogs now!

Posted by The Author on May 28, 2009

Huh?  Wha?  I’m too tired to make a proper entry right now — I don’t know when I won’t be too tired.  I forsee a giant post in the near future.  In the meantime, Tuesday’s H&L strip was featured today as a comic Bill doesn’t understand.  And rightly so!  I mean, Double-You Tee Eff, guys?

Posted in Uncategorized, wtf | Leave a Comment »

I guess they had an early tee-time that day.

Posted by The Author on May 27, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/27/09


Oh, man.  Two panels, no jokes.

Now, personally, I love worms.  Yes, really.  I think they’re cute.  Perhaps it’s the fact that they’re tiny and have no terrifying legs or eyes to contend with.  And they eat rubbish and poop out dirt.  Cute!  So Trixie’s intentional damnation of said worms is a little disheartening.  Yes, yes, circle of life and food chain and all that jazz; birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, blah blee blah.  I’m all for that.  I love birds, too.  However, I don’t go around tossing baby rabbits to the hawks.

Also, what kind of effed-up soil do the Flagstons have if worms are just wriggling on the surface?  That is not so cute.

Posted in 2 panels 1 joke, from the mouths of babes, half-assed, horror | 1 Comment »

In which I mostly talk about tarty clothing stores.

Posted by The Author on May 26, 2009

Blingity-bloink.  What a day.  I don’t know if I’m up for it.

Hi and Lois, 5/25/09


Ah, Memorial Day.  Usually the comics page commemorates every holiday, major or not (even Administrative Professionals Day, I seem to remember!), but to my surprise, approximately zero strips in my local paper mentioned Our Troops And Such.  Not even Doonsbury, which is usually a source for veterans-related attention.  No one in the Sunday paper, either, except for… well, Doonsbury.  Is the comics page of my paper organized by communists?!

But this isn’t about other comics, it’s about H&L.  And all I have to say about Monday’s comic is this: AAAAHHHHHH WHAAAAATTTT I DON’T LIKE THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON GET IT AWAY FROM ME I FRIGGIN’ HATE THESE KIDS

Hi and Lois, 5/26/09


And then, today.  Our pals, Abercrombie & Fitch.  Yes, those are the names of the garbagemen.  I suspect that Mort Walker named the dudes back in, well, the fifties or sixties.  You know, back when it was a sporting goods and hunting equipment store, and not a young person’s apparel chain infamous for sexed-up beef- and cheese-cakes who play football and stand around smoldering enigmatically and don’t know how to wear sweaters correctly.  The founders are probably spinning in their graves.

But enough about that.  What the hell is going in this comic?  Why can’t Hi scale back to getting his garbage picked up twice a month?  Because he’s now on a personal level with his rubbish carriers which only complicates the professional business relationship.  I don’t know.  Do they really get their garbage picked up that early in the morning?  Our truck comes around at, like, four in the morning.

Augh!  Fitch’s (or Abercrombie’s) corncob pipe suddenly appears in Panel Two!  Who draws this?!  Did they go to school!?  I am frustrated!!!

Tomorrow I will be funny.  In the meantime, regard the best thing in the world that is Abercrombie & Fitch-related.

Posted in half-assed, munny, wtf | 3 Comments »

Social lives are for ethnic people.

Posted by The Author on May 24, 2009

I would have had a post up yesterday, but I have a terrible case of Bad Internet.  So anyway.  Let’s get this over with.

Hi and Lois, 5/23/09


Where are they?  I don’t know.  Perhaps they’re coming from church, whose steeple I can see towering in the background.  Does… does anyone ever stop an entire group of people just to tell them what a lovely family they are, sans the moody teenage son?  People stop to tell us how cute our dogs are.  And of course, everyone thought I was an adorable baby.  But this…?  It’s a bit odd.  You don’t even know that they are a family, ma’am, or that Hi is their real father.  Which he isn’t.

Anyway.  I like (yes, like) two things about this strip.  I un-ironically like that the date is written on the door of the non-descript building — an actual good example of incorporating the meta with the art.  I ironically like the bleak, torn Circus poster hanging next to Chip’s devil-may-care pose.  Chip.  You are fooling no one.

Hi and Lois, 5/24/09


Auurgh, this is such crap.  No, sorry, that’s not funny — I need to actually point out some things.  What follows are things that I am pointing out.

  • Milton! says Lois’s shirt.  Or does it say… Wilton?  I can’t really tell.  If it really does say Wilton, that proves a point we’ve been pondering in the comments.  Another shout out to the homies in Connecticut from my dawgs B & G Walker.  Does Lois wear anything on her day off that doesn’t recall college?
  • Debbie and J.C.; are they too a real entity?  Or is “J.C.” merely a reminder of our Lord Christ?
  • There doesn’t seem to be a proper apostrophe in Lois’s second-panel dialogue.  “Weve”?  Also, check out that thousand mile stare as she remembers happier times.
  • Also, “Yay!”?  Are we three years old, Lois?
  • The wide shot of the squalid living room kinda cracks me up.  It is practically cartoonish in its ruin, is it not?  A sock hanging off the lamp.  Empty cans of Beige Brand Beer lying sideways on the coffee table.  A bulging bookbag hooked precariously over the edge of the flatscreen television, threatening to pull it over and shatter it all over the damn carpet.  No house looks like this.  (Well, I hope no house does.)
  • It might be difficult to see in the tiny web-version of the comic, but Trixie is defying the laws of physics.  She brings down a dustbunny (or crumpled paper, or cartoon cloud) in her tiny hand, and then radically alters its projectory so that it flies across the room instead of burying itself in the ground?  This was drawn by the same people who don’t know how motion lines work.
  • The Flagston Parents live a sad and lonely life, alienated from the other families who have a more sane amount of offspring.
  • God, these people cross their arms more than anyone on earth!  No one crosses their arms that much!  I know you’re trying to add variety and sassiness to your drawings but it’s just annoying me!
  • Sorry about that.

Happy Labor Day Memorial Day weekend!  I mix those two up sometimes.

Posted in age, crossed arms, real-ish, skipped periods | Leave a Comment »

H&L 2: Electric Boogaloo

Posted by The Author on May 21, 2009

I was totes going to make an entry this morning, but more pressing issues were at hand.  Then I was going to make a post this afternoon, but then I realized: hey!  It’s my blog and I can slack if I want to!  So here we are.  Comix.

But first!  I am sorry to report that I had a dream about Hi and Lois.  Yes, really.  An ethnic person — no an ethnic family appeared in the comic, and I actually lived in the world of the comic (though no one looked comic-y) and I was just trying and trying to get a good a picture to post on the blog, because this was just so amazing: an entire ethnic family in H&L.  You know that persons of color are pretty rare in this particular strip.

Anyway, today I have Two Strange Comix for you.  Neither of them have any ethnicity in them.

Hi and Lois, 5/21/09


What does Hi Flagton do for a living?  He works in an office and carries a briefcase, so he must be an accountant, or a paralegal, or in sales, or a banker, or some such Generic Businessman.  A business is being run.  By whom, and what for, is anyone’s guess.

Unless this “trip” of which the family speaks isn’t a business trip at all, but instead, say, a hospitalization of some sort.  “Yes, Dad will be back soon, children.  Very soon.”

What does that “W” on Dot’s sweater stand for?  Wellesley?  Wanker?  And Ditto wants to take his lunch to school in an air sickness bag… so that people will think he eats vomit?

Hi and Lois, 5/22/09


Holy sheet, this comic is terrifying.  Mostly because of the imagery.  Have you ever seen a break-dancing baby?  God, I hope not, and if you did, said baby was probably having a seizure and I hope everything ended well for you.  What are the Kids doing with a giant 80s-style boombox in the middle of their living room, I wonder?  Invoking the spirit of the Fresh Prince?  I guess that would be kind of close to ethnicity.  I’m obsessed with ethnicity!

You know, this joke has already been told in the comics pages — over twenty-four years ago.

Posted in ethnicity, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, wtf | Leave a Comment »

It’s a madhouse! A madhouse!

Posted by The Author on May 20, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/20/09


Yes, the “cleansing” experience, the “experience” in which Chip “cleanses” most “intimately”.  (shudder)  Well, you tell me!   He’s a teenage boy, after all.  My mind automatically shoots straight into the gutter at any mention of cleansing.

Here is another case of Things That Don’t Look Like That Anymore.  Alarm clocks.  Sure, my own clock is analog instead of the facy-pants glow-in-the-dark digital doo-dads they have these days, but it’s not so old that it still has the two bells on top that are manually hit with a hammer.  Those things are freakin’ loud, aren’t they?  TICKATICKATICKATICKA… et cetera.  In conclusion, whoever drew this comic is about ninety years old.

Finally: either the Flagstons have a shower right off their kitchen, or that bathroom is wider than a three-car garage.  Seriously, Lois!  What are you doing waltzing right into the bathroom when your son is cleansing himself?!  For shame.

Posted in horror, mutations, real-ish | 2 Comments »

This conversation has never taken place anywhere in the entire history of the world.

Posted by The Author on May 19, 2009

A nice late-afternoon post for you late-afternoon people!  I guess.  I didn’t get a chance to read the comics this morning; I wonder what today’s frivolity will be…

Hi and Lois, 5/19/09


Oh, yeah?  What about a sleeping puppy?  What about two sleeping puppies?  What about a shopping cart full of bunnies?  Trixie is not cute, slumbering or awake.  Besides, that’s not even Trixie in the photo.  If you look closely, you can see that it’s a sleeping figure eight.  Nice try, C. Browne!  Now.  Are there any phones that exist today that have the ability to take/receive photos and also have an antenna?  Do any new cell phones have antennae?  I’m inclined to say “probably not”.  At least it distracted my attention away from that poor excuse for a laptop.  Sure, in the first panel the artist at least attempts to rough in a keyboard of some fashion, but by panel two he as completely given up.

I didn’t know Lois worked in a real estate office.  I guess it would make sense.  And I guess that helps answer Trixie’s questions about where her family disappears to all day.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Lois is required to hire a babysitter, but somehow I am.  I guess I just assumed that she leaves Trixie to fend for herself.  Also, is it Wear Pink to the Office Day?  Not so good a decision for Reddy McRedderson there, since it, well, clashes a bit.  Okay, a lot.

I’m going to fall over soon.  That’s enough for today.

Posted in color monkeys, real-ish, technology | 7 Comments »

Doesn’t America NEED to go on a diet, though? *rimshot*

Posted by The Author on May 18, 2009

Hi and Lois, 5/18/09


Ha ha ha, that’s so not funny and true because of the state of the economy today, and there is a metaphor for fatness and chronic dieting, blah blah blah et cetera whatever.  With that out of the way, I’ll have you know that I’m not really paying attention to the content of this comic as much as I am the comic itself, if you get my drift.  You don’t?  Well… look at them.  Hideous.  Their hands seem to have been sucked up by their armpits.  Hi’s foot is twice as big as his head.  And, fer reals, who has a den laid out like this, with the couch placed at an angle in front of the window, and a flat screen TV in the dead center of the room?  And black carpeting?  What were they thinking?

Okay, I will briefly discuss the content.  Briefly.  We all know that comics are written approximately five thousand years before they are published, so often by the time they get to the paper they could be dealing with old or outdated news.  Here we have that very case: gas prices in the last two weeks have jumped back up to two-fifty-ish in my neck of the woods.  That could be a sign that Americans are now consuming more fuel, I guess, but after some in-depth research (sort of) I was unable to find any data on current national fuel consumption.  I was hoping for a graph or something.  I really enjoy graphs.*

But anyhoozle.  The point is that today’s comic is fantastically lazy.  And so am I.  So I am now done.

*I tried very hard to find the clip from How I Met Your Mother in which Marshall shows a pie chart of his favorite bars followed by a bar graph of his favorite pies.  I thought that would be somewhat relevant.  Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.  So I’ll have to leave you with this.

Posted in crossed arms, half-assed, munny | Leave a Comment »

Not going to make a Baha Men joke.

Posted by The Author on May 17, 2009

Sunday!  Sunday!  Sunday!  Though it really doesn’t feel like a real Sunday, considering it’s mid-May and we’ve barely broken forty-eight degrees F today.  I am sick of this crappy weather.  Summer just doesn’t want to come, does it?

But forget about that crap!  Comix are on the horizon, and we have two special appearances in today’s post, one from H&L‘s sister comic, Beetle Bailey!  The other — well, hold onto your hats, because we’re about to see the very first Kind Of Actual Representation of an Ethnic Entity in the history of High on ‘Lois’.  Brace yourselves!!

Hi and Lois, 5/17/09


You may be asking, “Slag, where is this black-or-Asian-or-miscellaneous ethnic person?  Well, it’s not a person, actually, and I didn’t even notice it myself until I read the dead-tree version of the comic this morning, and it’s really not that exciting, so, sorry.  In the first panel of the last row, in the Hunting Dogs balloon, one can just see what appears to be a brown pooch wearing a West African dashiki and pointing out the harmless little lion to the Ruthless European Big Game Hunter.  You know, the standard native guide in the jungle/savanna/everglades/mountains/thicket kind of guy.  Not the most appropriate, I know, but then again I’m not too keen on the pink, be-Afroed poodle in the dead center of the comic.  There are male poodles as well, guys…

But anyway.  I’m pretty big on dog show competitions, so my first though when reading this comic was that they forgot the Hound Group.  I guess there’s no clever way for Trixie to misinterpret “hound” unless they show stalker-dogs or something.  And as an owner of teeny tiny Terriers, I must protest, sir, at the depiction of Toy Dogs as portly, incessantly barking Golden Retrievers in top hats.  Our dogs rarely bark, and even more rarely yip.  No, really!

Whew.  I said there was going to be some BB action in this post, didn’t I?  I did!

Beetle Bailey, 5/17/09

BB, 5/17/09

I didn’t see this until this morning, and then it was without the throwaway panels at the top.  Imagine reading this comic without the top row, and imagine my confusion at seeing Killer (if that is his real name) sitting with a doll-like beady-eyed chick in a cocktail dress and heels.  Imagine walking in those heels through the grass.  You’d puncture the ground with every step.  The fact that they just came from a movie clarifies this a bit, I guess, but it still doesn’t explain why every other woman in the vicinity is wearing the same exact get-up.  Maybe they’re coming from a convention or something.  A convention for attractive women with unfortunately deformed mouths that constantly hang open like a baby bird’s.  Seriously, what is wrong with them?

And even more confusedly, if Killah and Chicklady have just come from a movie, they must have gone to the Extra-Super-Early Matinee, because it’s still blinding daylight outside.  Not quite grounds for eveningwear in my book, but hey, to each their own.

And, of course, the most confusing thing of all is that Killer’s hat wriggles when he’s horny.  There is no reason for this to happen.  It makes me hate him.  “Kiss me, Killer.”  “Sure!”  What a loser.

Posted in ethnicity, from the mouths of babes, google-eyes, other comix, wtf | 1 Comment »